Fire and Ice, Moon and Tears

Fire and Ice, Moon and Tears

Everyday we try to sleep
and keep our energies high
We search wide and we search deep
for trinkets we would love to keep
and when we find them, we will fly
under stars and harvest moon
we try, we try and we try
until the other noon
and when we fail, we cry

I tried to do fire and ice again today. I find that when I try to follow a rhyming scheme, I tend to try to force the word selection and care less about the concepts in the poem. I think I do better in a more free form style.

In all the busy-ness of coming to Calgary, I forgot to mention that I've written more this year than any other year. It's not that big a deal. I still think the quality of my earlier pieces have been superior. Peace out.

Hidden Lessons

hidden lessons

we all look
as though there is a bigger picture
a lesson to be learned
in hard situations
as though the world is ours
and we are the center

I think I've been reading too many children's novels. It seems in those stories, every rough situation the hero goes through is an opportunity for them to learn a lesson and become stronger from it. It seems like in those stories, the universe revolves around the hero and is only there to make them better/stronger/braver. Sometimes I think that everything in my life happens for a reason. I guess, I kinda believe that but at the same time, I understand that the universe doesn't revolve around me and that God doesn't move the whole world around just to teach me a valuable life lesson. Peace out.

lunch

lunch

I ate lunch twice for kicks
the first time for me
and the second time for free

I remember seeing you from the train
through the foggy, snowy, spitting rain
and I sighed to myself
took a mental picture
and put it on my mental shelf

I'm gonna get so fat. I've eaten 2 lunches 2 days in a row. Crazy. People have to tell me if they want to go out for lunch more ahead of time. Otherwise, I'll have to eat my lunch and lunch. I've been really hungry though. Maybe it takes a lot of calories to work with big spreadsheets. Peace out.

Train

Train

Today I took the train
in hopes of seeing you
and yesterday I took a plane
to start fresh, anew
And tomorrow will soon be here
but there's nothing else for me to do

Whenever I have to fly, I always hope that some hot girl will sit beside me. I've never had it happen... no offense to the juiced gorilla that sat beside me yesterday. He was very cordial, but he was no hottie. There's never a hottie. It's just a myth, an urban legend. Peace out.

Airports

Airports

airports
reunions and separations
we stand in lines to be scanned
and sit on chairs in large open rooms
waiting and waiting
for joy or sorrow
yesterday and tomorrow
and the planes continue to fly

Yup. I'm here in Calgary now. I was thinking about airports yesterday. Is there any other place where there is such a wide range of emotions? No one is super full of joy or devastated going to the super market. Airports are places where loved ones are reunited and it's also a place where family members are separated. Hospitals are another place with a wide range of emotions and it's obvious why without listing examples.

I don't understand how people can work at airports. I think it would be so emotionally draining. People understand that working at a hospital can be emotionally draining but we don't immediately think that when we think about people who work at airports. Maybe it's just me. I tend to get sucked into the emotions of the people around me. It's my super hero power... empathy. Yeah right. Peace out.

Sweaters and Shoes

Sweaters and Shoes

I traded tears for fears
and then tears again
Bartering my feelings
for some wise thoughts
the "ought"s
and "have to"s
I pack sweaters
and I pack shoes
Trying to predict the future
I gaze down the dimension of time
and wonder where life is taking me
or if I'll just end up hitting rewind

So today was my last full day here for a while. I don't know how long really. That's one of the things that is making it harder... harder for me to wrap my head around things and harder for me to pack appropriately.

What causes homesickness? Is it real or something in our heads? Can people really be homesick in these modern times with the interwebs and the emails, and the text msgs and the video chatting? What is it that we are missing? Is it the sense of being home? The tiredness that comes from being "away"? And what is its cure? Redefining home? Forgetting what home is like? A beautiful girl? Peace out.

Suitcase

Suitcase

My suitcase
doesn't have infinite space
I pace the room
and debate
What can be left behind?
How much to pack for how long a time?
I look
but find no answers

I hate packing. That's not something new. I don't find any joy in packing and the decision making that is involved. I've always hated packing... not just because I'm leaving for a longer time than I'm used to. I hate packing for trips, for Winter Conference, Spring Retreat, and all other packing in general. It's sort of like trying to tell the future. I put things in a bag because I think I may need them in the future. I can plan and plan and I can easily be wrong. Yes, even I can be wrong.

I think a lot of people are fascinated with the idea of packing. I think the question, "if you were stranded on an island, what so-and-so would you want to have with you?" is another way to approach the idea of packing. What things do you value in your life? What things do you want with you? What things in your life have less value? What's in your suitcase/backpack? And what have you decided that you can leave behind? Peace out.

Black to Grey to White

Black to Grey to White

The shades and tones
change to match the age of bones
My youthfulness fleeting
There's no cheating father time
My hair goes from black to grey to white
sleepless nights and zombie days
a hazy existence of this and that
Doing what we're told to do
we put our noses down
and go to town to earn that buck

My mom noticed that I had a white hair today. Is that the first of many because I'm getting old? Or is this stress turning my hair white a strand at a time? Who knows. I wish I had more time. Peace out.

The Missing

The Missing

The missing comes before the leaving
tears, tears and anti-lock breathing

Why is it that we can't cherish the moment?
We dwell in the past and fear or long for the future
Tomorrow comes without invitation
Yesterday, a destination your life can never get to
They told me to leave and just forget you

But the missing comes before the leaving
Tomorrow is another season

I've always felt like I'm a person that doesn't really miss people. I love people. I enjoy their company. I want good things for them. But I usually don't miss them. Some may say "out of sight, out of mind", but I believe it's something more than that. I watch shows like Survivor or Big Brother and the contestants make it seem like such a big deal to talk to someone from back home because they've been gone for 3 whole weeks, and I never seem to understand that type of emotion.

On the other hand, I'm someone who hates the leaving, the final goodbyes. I always cry. Old Faithful here can be relied on to shed at least a tear even if it's someone I have no reason to miss. It's just the goodbye and the anticipation of the goodbye really messes me up. The last days of a trip/visit are always emotional for me... but the day after the "separation", life goes on and I don't miss them. That makes me heartless. Right here... the heartless fool crying in the corner. Peace out.

Dark and Cold

Dark and Cold

I feel the night so dark and cold
yesterday now just a thought
I thrust my chest and feign bold
ignoring everything I've been told
I never do what I ought
until the sun does rise
never learning things I was taught (Edit: change to "never practicing things I taught" Oct. 20/10)
I close my eyes
deep in thought

ABAABCBCB. Gotta love it. And I need to learn it. It's gotten fairly cold lately. It seemed just like yesterday that I was able to run outside in shorts. We seemed to have crossed over to the cold part of autumn. The winds are so cold and unforgiving. Winter is coming. Peace out.

Blinkers

Blinkers

I put the blinker on
and changed lanes
Things are happening so fast now
and I'm no longer in control
Forced to follow the flow
unable to get out
I don't have a say on where I go

I feel as though I have some major decisions to make in the near future. I think everybody can look back at their life and identify some critical decisions that they made - the watershed moments of their life. Sometimes I feel like making a big decision is like deciding to change lanes in heavy traffic. It might be a while before you can change lanes again. You just get caught up in the flow of traffic and you lose the option to fully control what you do. You might not be able to make a right turn when you want to cause you can't get over in time. You might be forced to go faster than you wanted. You might be forced to leave some things behind - just blurry objects in the side windows. Yikes. Peace out.

New Eyes

New Eyes

I never liked it
and assigned it little value
but now I see it with new eyes
and it cuts me to the heart

I think I might have something with this title already. Oh well. I wanted to write about how in my personal life (is that redundant?), I have had experiences where I hated things and thought they were of so little value and so little use and then later, be convicted the other way. And then I would start crying. I did that one time, awkwardly at a noodle house in Vancouver when I shared about how wrong I was about the movie The Passion of Christ... and I did it again today in my quiet time when I read Jer. 29:11. I never liked how the verse was used. I always felt that the verse was referring to the Israelites exiled in Babylon and not to modern Christians. I'm still not sure how I feel about it but when I read it today, I bawled and bawled and bawled. Luckily I was home alone on a Saturday morning. Peace out.

Present

Present

The present is so small and slight
my feet barely fit on it as I stand
In this small space, I place my hands
on the walls that constrict as my lungs expand
Trying to let go of the past
that haunts me and weighs on my heart
and a crippling fear of the future
ready to move, but unable to start
unwilling to let myself dream
or believe
but when I'm dancing with you
I have the courage to try
close my eyes and learn to fly

Yup. Watched Smallville today. I had a different title for today's piece. It was the name of the episode and spoilers, but I thought that would mislead google to direct people to this site. It's nice to finally see Clark doing a little flying. Baby steps. Peace out.

Faux-livia

Faux-livia

I don't know you
it seems
as though my memory
is nothing more than dreams
and short stories that I concocted 
to fill in the blanks
the lengths I've gone to 
to maintain your illusion...
the lies I believe
have bled in with the truth
the walls are crumbling
I'm starting to see
I don't know you
and you don't know me

Today's piece is inspired by tonight's episode of Fringe.  I gotta say that I'm a bit torn about how this season is progressing.  I like multiple universes but two is too many.  On a totally different note, I've been playing a lot of guitar lately.  There are so many songs I want to cover and so little talent to do so.  Ha.  You thought I was gonna say time.  Oh well.  Wrong again.  Peace out.

Older Heart

Older Heart

Inevitably the seasons change
but not like clock work
sometimes early and sometimes later
but they change and so must you
at least that's what they say is the case
in these modern times
where nothing stays static
and everything is in a state of constant flux
you busk and you bust
until your calloused fingers find new pain
and the rain comes again
as if the sky is showing
that it will once again clean your slate
and put you back at the start
with tired hands and an older heart

Yeah, some more of my usual ramblings.  I need to get a job.  Peace out.

The Game

The Game

You wanted the brunette
so I called the blonde
She and I exchanged glances
like a game of catch
back and forth
I smile my smile
and she tilted her head
feigning vulnerability with her neck exposed
The game ingrained in our minds
this was not either of our first times

Tonight's HIMYM episode was totally filler... and so is the post.  Peace out.

The Model

The Model

I thank you
for I have modeled every girl after you
The way your smile seems so natural
and your laughter light
as if it's dancing on tip toes

I made every hero an image
of who I long to be for you
Strong and silent
With words that change the tides of battle
and a hand that feels complete in yours

Yesterday, I finally got my hands on A Wrinkle in Time. I have wanted to read it for a while now because it was a book in the Lost Community Podcast Book Club, but I wasn't able to get my hands on it. I tried to sign it out of the public library, but it was in the childrens' section and I went in to look for it but felt really awkward so I left immediately.  But yesterday, I walked in with purpose grabbed the book and fled the scene.  Ha.

Today I read Stardust.  I enjoyed the movie and noticed that it was on a few lists of great fantasy novels so I thought I'd enjoy reading it.  I've been reading a lot lately.  I was revisiting my personal library and rereading old favourites but I guess I'm in a mood to read some new things now so I took out 5 books from the library that I've never read before.  Anyways, I have been reading quite a bit and I've started to enjoy reading the acknowledgements.  I never read them in the past but I think it helps me understand the books a little better.

If I were to ever write the stories in my head, I wonder what my acknowledgements would look like.  I wonder if I would thank all the girls that I model my heroines after.  I wonder if people who know me and read the book would say, "hey, I swear the girl in the book is totally so and so."  Would that make me pathetic?  A television show that I've always loved but have refused to revisit is Dawson's Creek.  Throughout the series, he tells the story of him and Joey three times in short movie, movie, and tv show form.  In a way, it's so sad, but don't we all just rehash our lives in our mediums of choice?  I dunno.  Peace out.

Winter's Coming

Winter's Coming

It's autumn and my vision is clearer
I can see much further down the street
the trees having shed their leaves

I look through the trunks and branches
looking for the horizon that was invisible
just a few weeks ago

Winter's coming

I came up with the idea about being able to see further now that the leaves are on the ground yesterday on my run.  I didn't have anything to write the idea on so I hoped that I would remember it.  That's one of my flaws of my plan to write things down when I think of them so that I don't forget them.  Oh well.  The outdoor running season should be coming to an end soon.

Winter's coming.  I want to get into some of the later books of the Song of Fire and Ice series or something like that but I have to get through The Stand first.  I look forward to being united with the Starks.  Peace out.

The Sea

The Sea

I remember today as if it was a dream
hazy and unclear it seems
But yesterday felt a little more solid
today almost seems invalid

I remember talking something about teams
but no one is on my team it seems
I throw the ball and run to make the catch
like Desmond locked inside the hatch

I remember trying to stick to the theme
but I ran aground in the narrow stream
and couldn't make my way down to the sea
where you were waiting patiently

Back in grade 12, I wrote a very short story titled, "The Mediterranean".  I'm in love with the sea.  One of my favourite Narnia books is "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader".  There's something dreamy about being on the sea.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  Today's piece was actually inspired by Lord of the Rings and the Ents.  I'm not sure if this was only in the movie, but I was inspired by the line, "We're not anybody's side because no one is entirely on our side" or something like that.  Essentially, there wasn't a Team Ents.  I don't know why, but that line always catches my attention whenever I watch the movies... not that I watched them today.  Peace out.