Friday, May 31, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 7: Meet-Cute

we met at mile zero
as the saying goes
sharing words as they come to us
trying to gauge the pulse of things
i knew i loved you at mile sixty-four
and wanted to see you more and more
to explore your thoughts on this and that
i became an acrobat with my phrases
creating hoops and jumping through them
i chose you at mile seventy-nine
inclined to make loving you my crime
and the evidence of my love 
would be plenty to convict and i'd pay the time

So today's chapter was on the "meet-cute" and I don't know if I've ever seen that phrase written out before; for sure I've heard it said audibly. I guess if you go on blind dates or do online dating, there's a clear memory of how you've met someone. But what if you end up with someone more organically? What if you can't actually remember the first time you met? The author had sorta a throw-away line about how in today's society, it's not about how you meet people, but it's about how you choose people (referring to the idea of online dating apps). I like the idea of knowing when you chose someone in real life. What was the mile marker? Peace out.

Thursday, May 30, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 6: Black Box

Black box
polka-dot socks
kicked into the corner on the floor
but she does not live here anymore
I cannot be bothered to pick them up
or pretend that that is not her cup
that sits unwashed on the coffee table
still stained by her lipstick
I switch from sadness to reminisce for a bit
and sit where she used to sit 
trying to remember the smell of her
the taste of her
the feel of her
but those memories are locked away
and gone with her

Black boxes from airplanes are really about how indestructible the memory is. It needs to survive a crash. The chapter today was about breakups and divorce. It lacked any mention of ice cream. I don't remember what breakups taste like anymore. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm in for a world of hurt. Peace out.


Wednesday, May 29, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 5: Worth

I tried so hard
I almost burst
trying to show you I'm worth
worth the time to sit and think
and sync your thoughts with mine
take more time if you need it
to realize I'm worth -- a diamond in rare earth

I'm not sure why in my head "burst" rhymes with "worth".  Today's chapter was on deservingness but I thought that was a mouthful to try to rhyme with. The chapter reminded me of some advice someone gave me on a night that was supposed to be honoring me. The context (for some reason) was give him advice on how to find a lady friend. I don't remember what she said word for word but it was something along the lines of work on yourself so that you are worthy of the girl you want to be with. To this day, that advice still rubs me the wrong way. Read into that however you'd like. Peace out.

Tuesday, May 28, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 4: Script

I wasn't paying attention and so tripped
and found myself back on script
following the rules of the game
following the rules to avoid the shame
of texting too often
and not waiting long enough
I buy her flowers and stuff
I counted five or so span
to once again dare to touch her hand
But now I'm resolved to get out of this rut
and look forward to jump the curb at the next short cut

Chapter 4 was about the classic love script and how it makes things easier because both parties are able to read ahead and know how to play it. For me, the more romantic idea is to have a love story that does not follow the script. But there are only a finite number of stories in the world... and maybe only 3 or 4 formulas for boy meets girl.

As an aside, I think the notion of "span" being a duration of time is something I got out of the Kingkiller chronicles. Span = 11 days apparently. Peace out.

Monday, May 27, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 3: Context

i couldn't imagine it any other way
i'd want you to love me every day
listen to the words i say
tell me things will be okay

i don't want to picture it differently
i'd want you to sleep next to me
i'd want to know you completely
no matter the context

So chapter 3 was about context and the author takes a more cynical view on love and marriage. She talks about her grandma and grandpa's marriage and concludes that she doesn't think her grandma would have to get married if she was born in this generation. I understand that the idea of marriage has evolved through time and the circumstances/situations that would drive people to get married have changed as well. But I find it very difficult to say what I'd want in a partner would be any different whether I had the luxury to marry out of love or necessity. Peace out.

Sunday, May 26, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 2: Story

this girl was something of a mystery
she came with a story; a history
of glories and sorrows
i ask her to tell me the tale tomorrow
of the first time when she realized that she was mortal
a portal into a younger version of herself
i ask her the colour of the sky when she first fell in love
and the first song she heard when her heart first broke
i choke on the details
trying to consume all that i can
now that i'm applying for the role of leading man

Interesting. So in chapter 2, she recounts how her understanding of how her parents met and fell in love has evolved as she grew older and sought the "truth". I like the idea of story. As adults, we join people mid-story. Everyone has something they can share with you. Everyone has something they can teach you. In the area of love, I think the story angle is very interesting. The act of getting to know each other is a lot about understanding their story; their history. It's dangerous to dwell too much in the past, but so often, what has happened in the past has shaped who we are today. I see you. Peace out.

Saturday, May 25, 2019

HTFILWA Ch 1: Right

There was nothing left to do
but to go right
and enter the night
with a skip and a story
the glory of the scene
setting up the next few years
talking over beers and peanuts
like time shaping the stream
but tonight lacked ice cream

So I'm reading "How to Fall in Love with Anyone" by Mandy Len Catron and thought it would be fun to write something about each chapter.  Chapter 1 discusses the concept of the "right person" and talks about different types of right: moral, narrative, etc. For a long time in my youth, I believed in the One. Pretty famous for it actually but then I transitioned to believing timing was almost more important. Maybe it's not about the "right person" but the right person for right now. Although I don't really believe that is a great answer either because picking a person based on the limited rubric of right now is, by definition, a losing strategy in the long run.

Tell me the story of how you met. Peace out.

Wednesday, May 22, 2019

The Problem with Pain

I lost all perspective
that's the problem with pain
like rain that makes you forget the sun
or an ache that makes you forget ever having fun
it blinds you from the future
and the hope of her

Haha. Weak poem to write about something I've been thinking about. When I was walking on Sunday (and drowning in discomfort/pain), I'd see these runners and think to myself, "I'll never be able to run like that again," cause the pain I was currently feeling made me unable to imagine a time in the future where the pain would be gone. I think there's something about pain that makes it hard for us to think of the future or the past; it's like we are trapped in that moment -- in the despair. I think I'm generally good at maintaining my perspective and remain calm; taking things in stride. I think the same effect happens with emotional pain as well. I think that's why I couldn't stop crying last Tuesday. I was trapped in the moment. Peace out.

Tuesday, May 21, 2019

tomorrow

i walked on clouds today thinking of you
even though my feet are like lead
and my calves tighter than i'd like
limping behind schedule as it is
but i smile and think of what could be
i dare to dream again
and put my hopes out into the ether
my wheelchair future
and a dream of late spring
flings and rings
and tulips bursting from the ground
i look around and see you 
there this whole time
rhymes cannot capture this moment
i throw off the laments
and look forward to tomorrow

Wanted to write something a little happier today. I'm still trying to process my 100k step success. I was told that completing the challenge showed my commitment. I'm not sure "commitment" is the right word. If it was only about commitment, there would never have been a doubt in my mind that I was going to be able to do it. I'm not sure if the word is determination or tenacity... but I doubted I could finish from mid-afternoon on but pushed through.  Perhaps I dared to dream.  Peace out.

Monday, May 20, 2019

Power of Lies

it is amazing
the power of the lies that we tell ourselves
enabling us to put one foot in front of the other
even though the pain is unbearable
we can juggle the paradox of impossible things
holding onto dreams from sunnier days
the things she says
twisted and remembered in a new light
saved as fuel in your battery for the next fight
the miracle of the tiny seed
that grows to help accomplish the next impossible deed

It's interesting to me how we can believe things that are not real. Examples include thinking that a girl will magically fall in love with you if you could run one more mile than you were able to the week before... or convincing your legs to move by imagining a scary dog is chasing you. We have the ability to motivate ourselves with lies. If I was feeling more optimistic today, I might have phrased it, "We have the ability to motivate ourselves with dreams." But what is the difference between lies and dreams? Perhaps it's the side of the bed you got out of that morning.

I did my 100,000 step challenge yesterday. I've been in pain all day. I can barely move. Ask me in a week if it was worth it. I'm feeling a little empty right now and have constant chills. Peace out.

Saturday, May 18, 2019

Hidden Agenda - Item 6: Marry her

Now that we have a firm foundation made of bricks
we can now move onto step six
get down on one knee to propose a new thing
ask her to marry you and pull out the ring
that you've been playing with 
with the fingers of your mind
ever since the beginning of time
everything you've ever written was about her
the one there in the end
started as friends
walking straight paths and around bends
you chose to love her
and saw her for all that she is
touched her hand and held her heart
tasted her lips with that first kiss

Adore her even when you're not enjoying her

Marry her and you will see
it's just step one of a new journey

It's kinda nice to be done this little writing project on the eve of attempting to complete my walking project. And like all things in life, these projects are always a little connected. One inspires the other and the other sends ripples back in time to inspire the one... as though they are just different legs of the same table of my life; attempting to maintain a balance... to prevent all the things I'm building from crumbling down. What will I write tomorrow? Who knows? It's a new day. No way. Peace out.

Friday, May 17, 2019

Hidden Agenda - Item 5: Kiss her

Step five
feeling alive
grab the girl and kiss her

I'm pretty distracted today. I'm really just trying to conserve some energy and mental strength to prepare for my first attempt at 100k steps in a day on Sunday. I say first attempt because I'm not really confident that I'll be able to do it this weekend, but I'll give it my best shot. Peace out.

Thursday, May 16, 2019

Hidden Agenda - Item 4: Hold her

if you're still keeping score
it's time for step four
hold her
so she can trust that you are there
smell her hair
get lost in her stare
be there for her through wear and tear
keep her secrets in your vaults
know her strengths and her faults
encircled arms around her
holding still through the motion blur

Not as in love today, but walking on sunshine.  "No way!"

Peace out.

Wednesday, May 15, 2019

Hidden Agenda - Item 3: Touch her

step three
is easy if you're so inclined
but for those who don't get past step two and only pined
to touch her
to graze hands as you walk the miles
or rub shoulders
a lingered touch that makes you bolder
if it lasts for a micro-second longer
you might have told her
but the connection breaks
and you wake from a dream of dreams
a walking dream perhaps
as you complete the laps around the possibilities in your head
imagining ways to say how you feel
you've loved her and saw her
but now that you've touched her
you know she's real

I kinda like this one. I wasn't sure I had much to write for this step. I'm starting to venture beyond my experiences. I didn't walk the river this morning. We'll never know if that walk would have fixed me or broken me beyond compare. Still pretty broken today tbh.

Today was the last choir performance and after as I was talking and saying goodbye to the choir director, I initiated a hug. I think I hugged her after the Christmas performances too. She might be in the top 10 people I've hugged in the past decade. But it felt like the natural thing to do.

Tune in tomorrow for step 4: hold her. Oops. Sorry! Spoiler alert! Hopefully there's enough of a difference between touch her and hold her. I don't have any solid ideas at the moment. Peace out.

Tuesday, May 14, 2019

Hidden Agenda - Item 2: See her

when your love is true
move on to step two and see her
do not overlook the obvious things
necklaces, earrings and rings
shoes and slight changes in hair styles
linger a while
and take photos with your mind
be kind and notice
the less tangible
see the things she is too scared to show you
see between the lines
recognize what is different this time
love her and see her with all you can
let her know you understand

This series is wrecking me and I'm only on step 2. I'm planning on 6 steps... and some of them are definitely steps I've never experienced and can only speculate what they would be like.

I walked the river this morning before work and thought it would be nice to take out my headphones and enjoy the sound of the river. River sounds were quite muted, but my thoughts were fairly loud. I leaned into the sadness and it pulled me. I was drowning as the day progressed and had to go home early. The things we do for art. I'm going to walk the river again before work tomorrow. I don't know if doing it again will fix me or break me beyond repair. Peace out.

Monday, May 13, 2019

Hidden Agenda - Item 1: Love her

the song has begun
restart from the beginning
start with step one
love her
in the rain and the sun
love her on your own
love her while you're alone
love her from afar
love her from iron to rust
love her like star dust
rare and everywhere
love her when she's not being fair
love her with blood, gut and brain
and then start the song over again

I have an idea for a new series. The idea is based on men always having a hidden agenda. I'm a man and have a hidden agenda written on a post-it note that I carry around. This is step 1. Peace out.

Sunday, May 12, 2019

ice cream thought

riding the elevator
when i had an ice cream thought
an idea that can only be soothed by frozen dairy

It's weird. I'm weird. My idle mind wants to make me gain weight by driving me towards ice cream. I walk alone. Peace out.

Friday, May 10, 2019

Layers

she needed proof
so i pulled back one more layer of truth
to reveal a truer reality
something of a mystery
building in time
under the skin
beyond the asking
the questions too out there
but one step closer
to the heart of it

I've been thinking about the concept of levels of truth or layers of truth. I'm not sure if it's a fully formed thought yet. The poem is a little under-done and could use some more baking for sure.

Sometimes we tell ourselves things or our friends things and at the surface, all the words are true; but often times there's an even deeper truth that we are not aware of or we are totally aware of but decide not to share because it would make us too vulnerable. Sometimes the smile is the lie. Peace out.

Wednesday, May 8, 2019

permanence

it feels like before again
before there were other men
vying and dying 
i'm not sure what i was thinking
i need to forget the pencil and start the inking

There are things that we think are temporary but they are actually the new norm.  And other things can be erased and forgotten. It's hard to differentiate between the two though at the time. Peace out.

Tuesday, May 7, 2019

in the waiting

i spent my night feeling sad
missing things i never had
always putting her first
until i couldn't take it anymore and my heart burst
i thirst for another answer
another ending maybe
the stillness in the waiting
but it wasn't for me

I wrote this last night but didn't want to double up on the day. Yesterday was rough. No joke. Peace out.

Monday, May 6, 2019

lucifer season 1 spoilers

i've been invincible for so long
but you have made me weak
i walked alone
but now there's someone i seek
i allow myself to get shot in the chest
so i can rest on this cold concrete floor
i don't want to be vulnerable no more
and yet i still run to you

Just finished Lucifer season 1. I'm a mess and expect too much. Peace out.

Sunday, May 5, 2019

golden hour

i'll meet you at the golden hour
and speak soft words in the softest of lights
you are my delight - my joy
meet me to explore the shore
and i'll prove to you i love you more

I've been thinking about what the best hour of the week is. In photography, there's this notion of the golden hour around sunset and sunrise where the lighting is softer. I think based on my sleep cycle and the north american work week that 9 am on a Saturday is the best time to spend with those you love. Fight me. Peace out.

Saturday, May 4, 2019

In the Waiting

do you think of me in the waiting
when i'm not right in front of you
out of sight and out of mind
blinking in and out of time 
i only exist between the rhymes

I wrote a piece about this concept before that got me in a little trouble. Do you think about me when I'm not around? I'll never know. Peace out.

Friday, May 3, 2019

flying

i think of you in the waiting
abating breaths
the rests between footfalls
as i walk this storm
never allowing myself to lose touch with the ground
i spin round in my convoluted thoughts
refusing to jump
in an attempt to fly

Thinking about walking... So the difference between walking and running is that when you're walking, you never actually lose complete contact with the ground. i.e., at least one foot is on the ground at all times. When you run, you actually spend some time with both feet off the ground.

Almost done. Peace out.