Regret Collector

She enters the scene
a lady in green
hair soak'n wet
I lose yet another bet
I drink to remember and I drink to forget
with pockets full 
full of regrets
I collect them for show and tell
something to talk about when people talk about their boring daughter and son
what did you do on the weekend?
I drowned in a ocean of things I should have done

Wasn't sure where I was heading with this one but I did want to capture a thought for eternity and I think I did that very well.  I was thinking of the line "some drink to remember. some drink to forget" and according to the trusty internet there are some studies that actually show drinking can help you remember things... but it's more like at a subconscious level.  Sort of like how smells help us remember.  Peace out.

Awake

I caught feelings
connecting dots on my popcorn ceiling
as I lay awake at night
bathing in the city light
as it streams through my imperfect blinds

I play with rhymes between my fingers
massaging them and learning their texture
I am haunted by the hope of her
the smell of her
It's torture
and I have to be at work in three hours

For some reason, I decided to re-watch the Haunting of Hill House tonight.  Who needs to sleep right?  Sigh.  Not this guy.  Peace out.

rainy day

I'm saving these for a rainy day
words that I may never say
things that I may never tell her
sigh but they are oh so clever
I'll write these lines in a book for my imaginary shelf

I have so many good lines that I've debated writing on here because I want to document how charming/clever I could be... but then I wonder if the sun has actually set on my opportunity to use them in real life (irl as the cool kids say. ;) ).  And the fool in me says maybe not yet.  The dreamer in me thinks maybe there's a way...  Come back tomorrow and read all my lines.  Peace out.

and?

I caught myself feeling sad
wanting what I could not have
It snuck up on me
at three in the morning
tossing and turning and asking google what time it was
I closed my eyes and wait and wait and

How does it end?  Oh I really like spoilers.

I was thinking today that it's a good thing I'm not speaking into microphones regularly anymore.  I was a really emotional person behind the mic.  There.  I said it.  I'm not sure what it was. Just having a mic in my hand and speaking really got my emotional juices flowing.  I know.  I know.  No one knows what I'm talking about.

Oh yeah.  For those interested.  The relative humidity in the hallway at the moment is 21%.  Peace out.

zero

zero is real
now that i know how you feel
a shot in the dark
one hundred per cent missed the mark
good luck to you
the me 
in the next iteration

It's weird.  I've continued to obsessively track the relative humidity in my condo.  It goes up and down and up and down depending on if I have the humidifier running.  But it likes to settle around 19%.  Oh to have intermediate states.  I feel like a flip flop; flipping and flopping between 0 and a 100%.  Today, zero is real.  Peace out.

Relative Humidity

Even my floors know I'm alone
showing gaps due to the dry winter air
creaking and shrinking with each passing minute
I'm in it
a deep, crazy obsession
the band plays
I'm on a mission
Inhale and exhale
I sweat and cry tears
And place cups of water in the open air
Look at my stupidity
trying to increase the relative humidity

I've been obsessed with many things lately.  One of those things is the song Sound Of by Jann Arden.  One of the lyrics in the song is "I am not lonely swear to God I'm just alone".  What a lovely line.  I've noticed that the gaps in my "wooden" floors are increasing in this dry winter.  My Nest said that my place was at 17% relative humidity (RH).  That will not do.  I did some research.  Apparently people will put about 1.25 L of moisture into the air per day just doing their normal activities.  My place wouldn't be so dry if there was another person living in it...

I bought a humidifier instead and have obsessively been tracking the RH in my place all weekend.  I'm up to 24%.  I'm not sure if my floors have changed very much but it's nice to live in a place that feels (moisture-wise) like someone else lives here too.  Peace out.

X-OR

i love her. she loves me.
i love her. she passes.
i'd rather not, but she's got it bad.
i don't want it
she doesn't think i'm an upgrade to what she already had

4 states
dates or lack there of
i should have said this
the could'ves
roll your dice to see if you love me
i'll do the same

exclusive or
the logic gate of heart break.

Today sucked. Gaps in my floors are forming in the dry winter air.  And the last two lines of today's piece was stuck in my head all day. It's a clever two lines but the piece as a whole is pretty poor tbh.

It's natural to think that the i love her, she loves me state is the ideal, but life can be more complicated than truth tables.  In some cases, I think I prefer i love her, she passes.  That way maybe I'm the only one that gets hurt.  So heroic of me.   I know.  Husbands and boyfriends, stop letting your wives or girlfriends read my blog.  Obviously everything I write is about you.  Love is dead.  Suspicion sits the throne.  Peace out.

I don't dare

I don't dare
to fill this silent air
with sounds of typing
mechanical keys clicking 
and clacking
the act of documenting
transforming thoughts to morphemes
and words and sentences
Let's tell ourselves lies
the ones we are so eager to believe
Close your eyes and enter 
imagining the feel of her hand in yours
the simpleness of one boy and one girl
finding each other
in this imaginary
make believe world

There.  I've done it.  Don't say I never do anything for you.  My insanity is captured for all to see... or at least for myself and the unexplained traffic I get from the Philippines.

Today was inspired by a few scattered thoughts.  The idea of faking it until you make it... or tell yourself you're happy until you are actually happy.  Hogwash.  Peace out.

revisit

I revisit the idea
the hearing
the things that we said to each other
when the weather was fairer
I challenge the wind
with puffed chest
taking a break from my usual slouch
I massage the thought in my mind
I'm in danger of getting lost again
no - not this time

Watching scary movies on tv.  Regrets and regrets.  A dark house and lonely cats that want to hug you through doors.  I've been trapped in a thought lately that I haven't been able to shake.  Someone has incepted it in my mind.  It's not over; but I did make it another day.  Peace out.

Sliding Doors

Sliding doors and missed airplanes
a second there; a universal change
I walk the jetway alone in this world
this place and this time I didn't get the girl

Is there solace in thinking that in some other parallel universe, I get the girl?  Or is it worse knowing that I'm the wrong me.  And that maybe another me is happier?

The multiverse/parallel universe idea is very interesting.  You have to really believe in infinity.  There are just so so many possibilities.  Would the distribution of happiness for everyone (individually) look like a normal distribution or are some people just generally screwed (on average) in all the universes?   Peace out.