spark

i can't get past this dish
a pasta dish served cold
i wish and wish
you'd break the mold

the patterns seemed to have been set
i lost the bet it seems
i go through reams of paper
boxing myself even further into the corner
i just want to hold her once
before the pumpkins are harvested
and i walk to work in the dark
and i walk home from work in the dark
i stopped her before we could even start
mumbling something about protecting her heart
spark

This is classic me around this time of the year. Give me space and grace. Peace out.

boxes

the shadows in the night feel so unfamiliar
now that i've unpacked the final box
i choose to walk and walk and walk
trying to tire myself out
i give an internal shout and sit up in bed
with ideas racing through my head
craving sushi
who is she
"to know her is to love her"
and i've lost before i've even started

I finally unpacked the last box.  It only took me 11 months.  Challenge completed.  I've had the same shadow in that corner of my condo the whole time I've lived here and now it's different.  Peace out.

Gaunt

I was happy before I met you
at least that is how I remember things
but how is it I can't stop thinking about you
where are you now?
who are you with?
will we ever be together again?

I have been hungry since I've met you
never satisfied
always wanting more
I cannot be satiated
I have gone gaunt
you are all I want

I'm really just writing this to remind future me that I read "One Day in December" by Josie Silver around this time in my life. I should not be allowed to read romance. Peace out.

for me

for me
loving you has meant it is always raining
not that i am complaining
what is the big deal about getting wet anyways
unless maybe it is on days likes these
where circumstances has gotten me to my knees
and i think that maybe this should be easier
and maybe if you would just be here
and tell me it is going to be okay
and tell me to say what i have been wanting to say
because it will not scare you away

for me
loving you has meant you are always reigning
and i am just your future in training

It feels like it has rained here everyday this summer.  I bought some carrot cake oreos and decided I would save them for a rainy day.  I finished the last one today.  Peace out.

hope

hope is the sharp edge I keep cutting my finger on
it's the song that I play over and over
thinking that it might end differently
that the part after the bridge will change
hope is the thing that messes with my brain
thinking it's romantic to walk in the rain
swinging on planks suspended by chains
and I think maybe 
just maybe I should try again
and again

I was thinking of this piece as I walked to work today. I was thinking about the idea of a hopeless romantic.  Lots of people are romantics and unfortunately more than a few people are hopeless but what makes one a hopeless romantic? I guess I'm proposing it's the inability to learn and the ability to heal just enough for the next cut. Peace out.

Onions

i chased her again as i do
and pierced through the layers
learning about her more and more
as we explored together under the sun
it begun
the process that changes two people to one
there's no going back now
and it's not hyperbole
this is the science of chemistry

So I got it in my head to see what eating a raw onion like an apple would be like. I was able to do two bites before it started to not sit well in my stomach. I gave it some time and tried to take a third bite but by then my brain had caught up with me and I instantly spat it out. I ended up caramelizing the rest of it and eating it with hot dogs.

It made me think of chemical changes. Something changes permanently when you cook it. It becomes something different; something new. And in the case of onions, something a lot more palatable for me. Peace out.

HTFILWA CH 10: Devotion

i tried to prove my devotion
and started throwing rocks into the ocean
the waters began to rise as if in slow motion
and yet i'm nowhere nearer to your heart
but i made a start with this rock
i moved away from talk and showed some action
i need more of you; i want satisfaction
to demonstrate my devotion was extraordinary
that i should be your permanent contemporary

Finally done the book and this mini-project. The last real chapter of the book with new content was about devotion. It made me think of menial/minor tasks that people do to show devotion. What's more idiotic than trying to raise the water level of the ocean by throwing rocks into it?

This book had a central backbone on Arthur Aron's 36 questions. None of them are magical on their own and there's not really any magic in the list. It's about talking about things that matter and learning things about your partner beyond surface level ideas. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 9: Choosing

i was perusing
reading the fine print before the choosing
smelled the stem and checked for bruising
the instructions were confusing
looks from the people waiting behind me were accusing
but i've grown tired of all the losing
i took extra time to do some musing
to make sure this was the right fusing
the one i should take home

As I said, I'm doubling up today so that I can finish this book tomorrow and move onto new projects. This chapter was about choosing... based on the premise that if you could fall in love with anyone, how do you choose? I think a lot of these later chapters have had similar themes and I'm hesitant in sharing my thoughts on these topics because I feel they may be better suited for later chapters. Tomorrow's the last day of this project so I'll make sure to include any thoughts in tomorrow's posts. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 8: Advice

she thought she'd volunteer unasked for advice
i shot her a look of ice

Today's chapter was on bad advice or how every thinks they are an expert about love. I feel like I've already talked about some advice I received in a post earlier this week so I'll leave it at that. I might double-up my writing this weekend because I want to complete this mini-project. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 7: Meet-Cute

we met at mile zero
as the saying goes
sharing words as they come to us
trying to gauge the pulse of things
i knew i loved you at mile sixty-four
and wanted to see you more and more
to explore your thoughts on this and that
i became an acrobat with my phrases
creating hoops and jumping through them
i chose you at mile seventy-nine
inclined to make loving you my crime
and the evidence of my love 
would be plenty to convict and i'd pay the time

So today's chapter was on the "meet-cute" and I don't know if I've ever seen that phrase written out before; for sure I've heard it said audibly. I guess if you go on blind dates or do online dating, there's a clear memory of how you've met someone. But what if you end up with someone more organically? What if you can't actually remember the first time you met? The author had sorta a throw-away line about how in today's society, it's not about how you meet people, but it's about how you choose people (referring to the idea of online dating apps). I like the idea of knowing when you chose someone in real life. What was the mile marker? Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 6: Black Box

Black box
polka-dot socks
kicked into the corner on the floor
but she does not live here anymore
I cannot be bothered to pick them up
or pretend that that is not her cup
that sits unwashed on the coffee table
still stained by her lipstick
I switch from sadness to reminisce for a bit
and sit where she used to sit 
trying to remember the smell of her
the taste of her
the feel of her
but those memories are locked away
and gone with her

Black boxes from airplanes are really about how indestructible the memory is. It needs to survive a crash. The chapter today was about breakups and divorce. It lacked any mention of ice cream. I don't remember what breakups taste like anymore. Maybe I'm lucky. Maybe I'm in for a world of hurt. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 5: Worth

I tried so hard
I almost burst
trying to show you I'm worth
worth the time to sit and think
and sync your thoughts with mine
take more time if you need it
to realize I'm worth -- a diamond in rare earth

I'm not sure why in my head "burst" rhymes with "worth".  Today's chapter was on deservingness but I thought that was a mouthful to try to rhyme with. The chapter reminded me of some advice someone gave me on a night that was supposed to be honoring me. The context (for some reason) was give him advice on how to find a lady friend. I don't remember what she said word for word but it was something along the lines of work on yourself so that you are worthy of the girl you want to be with. To this day, that advice still rubs me the wrong way. Read into that however you'd like. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 4: Script

I wasn't paying attention and so tripped
and found myself back on script
following the rules of the game
following the rules to avoid the shame
of texting too often
and not waiting long enough
I buy her flowers and stuff
I counted five or so span
to once again dare to touch her hand
But now I'm resolved to get out of this rut
and look forward to jump the curb at the next short cut

Chapter 4 was about the classic love script and how it makes things easier because both parties are able to read ahead and know how to play it. For me, the more romantic idea is to have a love story that does not follow the script. But there are only a finite number of stories in the world... and maybe only 3 or 4 formulas for boy meets girl.

As an aside, I think the notion of "span" being a duration of time is something I got out of the Kingkiller chronicles. Span = 11 days apparently. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 3: Context

i couldn't imagine it any other way
i'd want you to love me every day
listen to the words i say
tell me things will be okay

i don't want to picture it differently
i'd want you to sleep next to me
i'd want to know you completely
no matter the context

So chapter 3 was about context and the author takes a more cynical view on love and marriage. She talks about her grandma and grandpa's marriage and concludes that she doesn't think her grandma would have to get married if she was born in this generation. I understand that the idea of marriage has evolved through time and the circumstances/situations that would drive people to get married have changed as well. But I find it very difficult to say what I'd want in a partner would be any different whether I had the luxury to marry out of love or necessity. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 2: Story

this girl was something of a mystery
she came with a story; a history
of glories and sorrows
i ask her to tell me the tale tomorrow
of the first time when she realized that she was mortal
a portal into a younger version of herself
i ask her the colour of the sky when she first fell in love
and the first song she heard when her heart first broke
i choke on the details
trying to consume all that i can
now that i'm applying for the role of leading man

Interesting. So in chapter 2, she recounts how her understanding of how her parents met and fell in love has evolved as she grew older and sought the "truth". I like the idea of story. As adults, we join people mid-story. Everyone has something they can share with you. Everyone has something they can teach you. In the area of love, I think the story angle is very interesting. The act of getting to know each other is a lot about understanding their story; their history. It's dangerous to dwell too much in the past, but so often, what has happened in the past has shaped who we are today. I see you. Peace out.

HTFILWA Ch 1: Right

There was nothing left to do
but to go right
and enter the night
with a skip and a story
the glory of the scene
setting up the next few years
talking over beers and peanuts
like time shaping the stream
but tonight lacked ice cream

So I'm reading "How to Fall in Love with Anyone" by Mandy Len Catron and thought it would be fun to write something about each chapter.  Chapter 1 discusses the concept of the "right person" and talks about different types of right: moral, narrative, etc. For a long time in my youth, I believed in the One. Pretty famous for it actually but then I transitioned to believing timing was almost more important. Maybe it's not about the "right person" but the right person for right now. Although I don't really believe that is a great answer either because picking a person based on the limited rubric of right now is, by definition, a losing strategy in the long run.

Tell me the story of how you met. Peace out.

The Problem with Pain

I lost all perspective
that's the problem with pain
like rain that makes you forget the sun
or an ache that makes you forget ever having fun
it blinds you from the future
and the hope of her

Haha. Weak poem to write about something I've been thinking about. When I was walking on Sunday (and drowning in discomfort/pain), I'd see these runners and think to myself, "I'll never be able to run like that again," cause the pain I was currently feeling made me unable to imagine a time in the future where the pain would be gone. I think there's something about pain that makes it hard for us to think of the future or the past; it's like we are trapped in that moment -- in the despair. I think I'm generally good at maintaining my perspective and remain calm; taking things in stride. I think the same effect happens with emotional pain as well. I think that's why I couldn't stop crying last Tuesday. I was trapped in the moment. Peace out.

tomorrow

i walked on clouds today thinking of you
even though my feet are like lead
and my calves tighter than i'd like
limping behind schedule as it is
but i smile and think of what could be
i dare to dream again
and put my hopes out into the ether
my wheelchair future
and a dream of late spring
flings and rings
and tulips bursting from the ground
i look around and see you 
there this whole time
rhymes cannot capture this moment
i throw off the laments
and look forward to tomorrow

Wanted to write something a little happier today. I'm still trying to process my 100k step success. I was told that completing the challenge showed my commitment. I'm not sure "commitment" is the right word. If it was only about commitment, there would never have been a doubt in my mind that I was going to be able to do it. I'm not sure if the word is determination or tenacity... but I doubted I could finish from mid-afternoon on but pushed through.  Perhaps I dared to dream.  Peace out.

Power of Lies

it is amazing

the power of the lies that we tell ourselves

enabling us to put one foot in front of the other

even though the pain is unbearable

we can juggle the paradox of impossible things

holding onto dreams from sunnier days

the things she says

twisted and remembered in a new light

saved as fuel in your battery for the next fight

the miracle of the tiny seed

that grows to help accomplish the next impossible deed

It's interesting to me how we can believe things that are not real. Examples include thinking that a girl will magically fall in love with you if you could run one more mile than you were able to the week before... or convincing your legs to move by imagining a scary dog is chasing you. We have the ability to motivate ourselves with lies. If I was feeling more optimistic today, I might have phrased it, "We have the ability to motivate ourselves with dreams." But what is the difference between lies and dreams? Perhaps it's the side of the bed you got out of that morning.

I did my 100,000 step challenge yesterday. I've been in pain all day. I can barely move. Ask me in a week if it was worth it. I'm feeling a little empty right now and have constant chills. Peace out.

Hidden Agenda - Item 6: Marry her

Now that we have a firm foundation made of bricks
we can now move onto step six
get down on one knee to propose a new thing
ask her to marry you and pull out the ring
that you've been playing with 
with the fingers of your mind
ever since the beginning of time
everything you've ever written was about her
the one there in the end
started as friends
walking straight paths and around bends
you chose to love her
and saw her for all that she is
touched her hand and held her heart
tasted her lips with that first kiss

Adore her even when you're not enjoying her

Marry her and you will see
it's just step one of a new journey

It's kinda nice to be done this little writing project on the eve of attempting to complete my walking project. And like all things in life, these projects are always a little connected. One inspires the other and the other sends ripples back in time to inspire the one... as though they are just different legs of the same table of my life; attempting to maintain a balance... to prevent all the things I'm building from crumbling down. What will I write tomorrow? Who knows? It's a new day. No way. Peace out.