Jonah

Jonah

So this is the story
with its cast of characters
stages designed and dressed
costumed made up and ready to be worn
special effects brought in to mimic a storm
but the writer has been sitting
and twiddling his thumbs
He's lost the ending of the tale
does the man die
or get saved by a whale?
is the ending a surprise twist?
does anyone get what they wished?

That was totally not what I intended to write today. I guess sometimes things just have a will of their own. I wanted to write today to end off the year. It's funny cause a lot of the time, I think of my life as a movie and I, of course, think it would make a great screenplay. At this point in my life, most of the characters have been casted, the set has changed, and the ending is still totally unclear. Even the genre isn't clear. Am I staring in a movie where I play the hero? Or is it more of a modern flick where it's just a glimpse in the life of a "normal guy" where the viewers leave the theatre wondering what in the world they just saw. Farewell 2010. Peace out.

Up in the Air

Up in the Air

Talk me off the ledge
bread. cheese.
wine.
something to drink
to pass the time
A cup in my hand
the feeling of glass
I stare at the clock
as time passes and past
things come to mind
I play with the memory
with too much care
the future's unknown
it's all up in the air

I haven't written in ages. I've forgotten how to write. Last night, I watched Up in the Air. That was the last movie that I've seen in theaters. I watched it last Christmas break and now I watched it this year around Christmas again. It's weird but I think I want to watch that movie every Christmas break. I want to make it a new tradition.

Traditions are weird. At some point, someone has to decide that it's a tradition and that's why we do it. If the tradition was something practical, it wouldn't really be a tradition, but just something practical you do. For instance, washing the dishes after dinner is not a tradition. Christmas time is the time of year that the most obvious, visual traditions can be observed. I've never really been someone that observed a lot of traditions. I guess I need to make some up as I go. Peace out.

New Music

New Music

My heart feels light
as my feet pound the pavement
Headphones in my ears
the music feels new again

Yesterday, I listened to music for the first time in like 2 weeks. Of course I've heard music within the past 14 days, but I haven't listened to music for 2 weeks. It was weird. I was walking down Kensington listening to music. That walk felt so different. It was like I haven't walked that route before. I felt a little renewed and was smiling a little.

I like to play this little game while I train/bus home after work. I like to stand on the train and try to put on a blank stare with a mix of sadness. I try to go heavy on the blank and just add a little hint of sad. I think it's fun. I sometimes break character and smile a little because I think what I'm doing is so entirely stupid. Peace out.

Broken in Shoes

Broken in Shoes

Yesterday you arrived late
and I made excuses for you
I didn't mind that I had to wait
it was a long anticipated date
There were many things to speak to
but you just wanted to chat
You've run me through and through
It's all old hat
like broken in shoes

It's surprising how many times that I forget that there are no surprises. How many times do we expect things to change; be different some how but they never are. Things just happen in cycles as if they are on a schedule. Things that happened yesterday, happened today and will happen again tomorrow. People rarely change, and it would be easier if we didn't expect that they do. Peace out.

Choir

Choir

We play dumb
and walk in circles
avoiding the pressures of the world
We revert to just a boy
and just a girl

We try to sing
but we've forgotten the words
The lyrics becoming overly familiar
We lip sync
and get lost in the choir

I was pretty frustrated when I wrote this today. I had a great idea for something yesterday on the bus, but I've forgotten it. It's so annoying. The idea was good too. I was so excited when I came up with it. Too bad I didn't have anything to write with.

I'm not good at taking the bus or train. Whenever there are a lot of people trying to get on, I always find myself at the end of the line. It doesn't matter where I am before the bus/train get there, I always find myself at the back. I don't really mind though. It's been a long time since I've ran to catch a bus. I am fine with just waiting for the next one. When the train comes and it's full, I just let it go. I have all the time in the world... or so I tell myself.

I've also been rather annoyed about the bus departing etiquette. I feel that people on the back of the bus should get off last. When I'm sitting in the middle of the bus, the people on the back insist on getting off first. When I'm sitting in the back of the bus, I end up getting off the bus last. There's no consistency. It's lose/lose for me. What else is new. Peace out.

Her

Her

We never fail to try to forget
as though life would be that much sweeter
If we could live without regret
and be in the black without any debt
We crowd around the humming space heater
ignoring the scent of the poor
Six people standing in one square meter
far away from the door
but I can still see her

I've had several good ideas for poems on the bus/train lately but this is not one of them. I keep forgetting what I mean to write about. It's too bad because I feel as though there were some gems that are now gone. Maybe hypnosis could bring them back, but good ideas are fleeting. At least, creative ideas are fleeting. I guess that's why people encounter writer's block. Somethings you can't force, but I force them and write even when I got nothing. I got nothing. Peace out.

Fold

Fold

Today we all have to make some decisions
about what we think the future may hold
We pick our brains and seek for visions
avoiding fate and reality's collisions
We'd rather wait outside in the cold
unable to get our seats off this fence
Deciding we'll sit here until we are old
lacking all forms of common sense
pot committed, we decided to fold

Got my contract at work today. I thought I'd sign it immediately but now I'm mulling it over. I'll most likely sign it but I'm waiting a little because of the implications I think signing this contract would be saying about what I think is in my near/immediate future. I'm not someone that is good at making life decisions. I feel as though I can't make a good decision because I can't see far enough ahead. Sometimes I wonder if decisions would be easier with more foresight - like the elves. But the future is dark even to me. Peace out.

Train Dreams

Train Dreams

The trains race down the tracks
and ferry people around town
We sit around and eat our snacks
that we carry in our back packs
We day dream about wearing crowns
wishing that we could be king
We'd be happy, and never frown
laugh, play, sing
taking life lying down

I had some weird dreams last night about a girl that doesn't give me the time of day. I don't want to be too specific because then people would be able to guess. That's why I described her in such a vague manner.

I like watching people on the train. It's fun to people watch. I think I have a 6th sense for hot girls. I can notice them before anyone else. I usually like to spot them and then observe other guys spotting them and rubber necking. It makes me feel so superior. I've probably talked about this before but that's because I really do enjoy doing it. People like to stare at cute girls. I like to watch people stare at cute girls. I suck. Peace out.

We Failed

We Failed

Sometimes we struggle through the day
other times we just coast
We dance lightly when we know the way
Ignoring what the haters say
Acting as though we know the most
We try and we try but fail
falling ever short of our post
wishing that we could sail
ignoring what was diagnosed

Trying fire and ice again today. I'm stuck at work. It's a bit of a struggle constantly doing different things. As soon as I think I've gotten the hang of something, I'm finished the task and start something new. I wish I could work on something for like a whole week and struggle with it, pick it up and then just coast for a bit. Right now I seem to be working on things with 2 or 3 hour turn around times. If it takes me longer than that, I feel like I'm dogging it and need to bring work home with me if I can't get it done before leaving for the day. It's a huge adjustment from school. When I was in school, I could always do work because it was my work, I wasn't being paid per hour. But now, it doesn't really benefit me to bring home work and do it off the clock. Peace out.

Laundry

Laundry

We sort our clothes in preparation
to get them washed and clean
In hopes to make a declaration
The world should show appreciation
We acknowledge we love to be seen
Walking about on tippy toes
Making faces and acting mean
Everybody looking at us knows
We want to be the center of the scene

Did laundry today. I'm glad I didn't bring too many lights to Calgary. I threw in a light tshirt with my darks because I didn't want to do separate loads and now I have a new shirt to sleep in. Oh well. I needed a new tshirt to sleep in anyways. I didn't bring enough. I suck. :(

Today, I was thinking about clothes and why we need to iron dress shirts. Of course, we can buy shirts that don't need ironing, but why do we iron them? Because we know that people will judge us if we didn't. It's one of those things where if everyone in the world decided to stop ironing, we could actually all stop ironing and save the world so much time. It's not like an ironed shirt keeps us warmer than a wrinkly shirt. The world would survive the loss of pristinely pressed shirts... but we'd just end up finding some other pointless aspect of a person's appearance to make rash judgments. Peace out.

Fire and Ice, Moon and Tears

Fire and Ice, Moon and Tears

Everyday we try to sleep
and keep our energies high
We search wide and we search deep
for trinkets we would love to keep
and when we find them, we will fly
under stars and harvest moon
we try, we try and we try
until the other noon
and when we fail, we cry

I tried to do fire and ice again today. I find that when I try to follow a rhyming scheme, I tend to try to force the word selection and care less about the concepts in the poem. I think I do better in a more free form style.

In all the busy-ness of coming to Calgary, I forgot to mention that I've written more this year than any other year. It's not that big a deal. I still think the quality of my earlier pieces have been superior. Peace out.

Hidden Lessons

hidden lessons

we all look
as though there is a bigger picture
a lesson to be learned
in hard situations
as though the world is ours
and we are the center

I think I've been reading too many children's novels. It seems in those stories, every rough situation the hero goes through is an opportunity for them to learn a lesson and become stronger from it. It seems like in those stories, the universe revolves around the hero and is only there to make them better/stronger/braver. Sometimes I think that everything in my life happens for a reason. I guess, I kinda believe that but at the same time, I understand that the universe doesn't revolve around me and that God doesn't move the whole world around just to teach me a valuable life lesson. Peace out.

lunch

lunch

I ate lunch twice for kicks
the first time for me
and the second time for free

I remember seeing you from the train
through the foggy, snowy, spitting rain
and I sighed to myself
took a mental picture
and put it on my mental shelf

I'm gonna get so fat. I've eaten 2 lunches 2 days in a row. Crazy. People have to tell me if they want to go out for lunch more ahead of time. Otherwise, I'll have to eat my lunch and lunch. I've been really hungry though. Maybe it takes a lot of calories to work with big spreadsheets. Peace out.

Train

Train

Today I took the train
in hopes of seeing you
and yesterday I took a plane
to start fresh, anew
And tomorrow will soon be here
but there's nothing else for me to do

Whenever I have to fly, I always hope that some hot girl will sit beside me. I've never had it happen... no offense to the juiced gorilla that sat beside me yesterday. He was very cordial, but he was no hottie. There's never a hottie. It's just a myth, an urban legend. Peace out.

Airports

Airports

airports
reunions and separations
we stand in lines to be scanned
and sit on chairs in large open rooms
waiting and waiting
for joy or sorrow
yesterday and tomorrow
and the planes continue to fly

Yup. I'm here in Calgary now. I was thinking about airports yesterday. Is there any other place where there is such a wide range of emotions? No one is super full of joy or devastated going to the super market. Airports are places where loved ones are reunited and it's also a place where family members are separated. Hospitals are another place with a wide range of emotions and it's obvious why without listing examples.

I don't understand how people can work at airports. I think it would be so emotionally draining. People understand that working at a hospital can be emotionally draining but we don't immediately think that when we think about people who work at airports. Maybe it's just me. I tend to get sucked into the emotions of the people around me. It's my super hero power... empathy. Yeah right. Peace out.

Sweaters and Shoes

Sweaters and Shoes

I traded tears for fears
and then tears again
Bartering my feelings
for some wise thoughts
the "ought"s
and "have to"s
I pack sweaters
and I pack shoes
Trying to predict the future
I gaze down the dimension of time
and wonder where life is taking me
or if I'll just end up hitting rewind

So today was my last full day here for a while. I don't know how long really. That's one of the things that is making it harder... harder for me to wrap my head around things and harder for me to pack appropriately.

What causes homesickness? Is it real or something in our heads? Can people really be homesick in these modern times with the interwebs and the emails, and the text msgs and the video chatting? What is it that we are missing? Is it the sense of being home? The tiredness that comes from being "away"? And what is its cure? Redefining home? Forgetting what home is like? A beautiful girl? Peace out.

Suitcase

Suitcase

My suitcase
doesn't have infinite space
I pace the room
and debate
What can be left behind?
How much to pack for how long a time?
I look
but find no answers

I hate packing. That's not something new. I don't find any joy in packing and the decision making that is involved. I've always hated packing... not just because I'm leaving for a longer time than I'm used to. I hate packing for trips, for Winter Conference, Spring Retreat, and all other packing in general. It's sort of like trying to tell the future. I put things in a bag because I think I may need them in the future. I can plan and plan and I can easily be wrong. Yes, even I can be wrong.

I think a lot of people are fascinated with the idea of packing. I think the question, "if you were stranded on an island, what so-and-so would you want to have with you?" is another way to approach the idea of packing. What things do you value in your life? What things do you want with you? What things in your life have less value? What's in your suitcase/backpack? And what have you decided that you can leave behind? Peace out.

Black to Grey to White

Black to Grey to White

The shades and tones
change to match the age of bones
My youthfulness fleeting
There's no cheating father time
My hair goes from black to grey to white
sleepless nights and zombie days
a hazy existence of this and that
Doing what we're told to do
we put our noses down
and go to town to earn that buck

My mom noticed that I had a white hair today. Is that the first of many because I'm getting old? Or is this stress turning my hair white a strand at a time? Who knows. I wish I had more time. Peace out.

The Missing

The Missing

The missing comes before the leaving
tears, tears and anti-lock breathing

Why is it that we can't cherish the moment?
We dwell in the past and fear or long for the future
Tomorrow comes without invitation
Yesterday, a destination your life can never get to
They told me to leave and just forget you

But the missing comes before the leaving
Tomorrow is another season

I've always felt like I'm a person that doesn't really miss people. I love people. I enjoy their company. I want good things for them. But I usually don't miss them. Some may say "out of sight, out of mind", but I believe it's something more than that. I watch shows like Survivor or Big Brother and the contestants make it seem like such a big deal to talk to someone from back home because they've been gone for 3 whole weeks, and I never seem to understand that type of emotion.

On the other hand, I'm someone who hates the leaving, the final goodbyes. I always cry. Old Faithful here can be relied on to shed at least a tear even if it's someone I have no reason to miss. It's just the goodbye and the anticipation of the goodbye really messes me up. The last days of a trip/visit are always emotional for me... but the day after the "separation", life goes on and I don't miss them. That makes me heartless. Right here... the heartless fool crying in the corner. Peace out.

Dark and Cold

Dark and Cold

I feel the night so dark and cold
yesterday now just a thought
I thrust my chest and feign bold
ignoring everything I've been told
I never do what I ought
until the sun does rise
never learning things I was taught (Edit: change to "never practicing things I taught" Oct. 20/10)
I close my eyes
deep in thought

ABAABCBCB. Gotta love it. And I need to learn it. It's gotten fairly cold lately. It seemed just like yesterday that I was able to run outside in shorts. We seemed to have crossed over to the cold part of autumn. The winds are so cold and unforgiving. Winter is coming. Peace out.

Blinkers

Blinkers

I put the blinker on
and changed lanes
Things are happening so fast now
and I'm no longer in control
Forced to follow the flow
unable to get out
I don't have a say on where I go

I feel as though I have some major decisions to make in the near future. I think everybody can look back at their life and identify some critical decisions that they made - the watershed moments of their life. Sometimes I feel like making a big decision is like deciding to change lanes in heavy traffic. It might be a while before you can change lanes again. You just get caught up in the flow of traffic and you lose the option to fully control what you do. You might not be able to make a right turn when you want to cause you can't get over in time. You might be forced to go faster than you wanted. You might be forced to leave some things behind - just blurry objects in the side windows. Yikes. Peace out.

New Eyes

New Eyes

I never liked it
and assigned it little value
but now I see it with new eyes
and it cuts me to the heart

I think I might have something with this title already. Oh well. I wanted to write about how in my personal life (is that redundant?), I have had experiences where I hated things and thought they were of so little value and so little use and then later, be convicted the other way. And then I would start crying. I did that one time, awkwardly at a noodle house in Vancouver when I shared about how wrong I was about the movie The Passion of Christ... and I did it again today in my quiet time when I read Jer. 29:11. I never liked how the verse was used. I always felt that the verse was referring to the Israelites exiled in Babylon and not to modern Christians. I'm still not sure how I feel about it but when I read it today, I bawled and bawled and bawled. Luckily I was home alone on a Saturday morning. Peace out.

Present

Present

The present is so small and slight
my feet barely fit on it as I stand
In this small space, I place my hands
on the walls that constrict as my lungs expand
Trying to let go of the past
that haunts me and weighs on my heart
and a crippling fear of the future
ready to move, but unable to start
unwilling to let myself dream
or believe
but when I'm dancing with you
I have the courage to try
close my eyes and learn to fly

Yup. Watched Smallville today. I had a different title for today's piece. It was the name of the episode and spoilers, but I thought that would mislead google to direct people to this site. It's nice to finally see Clark doing a little flying. Baby steps. Peace out.

Faux-livia

Faux-livia

I don't know you
it seems
as though my memory
is nothing more than dreams
and short stories that I concocted 
to fill in the blanks
the lengths I've gone to 
to maintain your illusion...
the lies I believe
have bled in with the truth
the walls are crumbling
I'm starting to see
I don't know you
and you don't know me

Today's piece is inspired by tonight's episode of Fringe.  I gotta say that I'm a bit torn about how this season is progressing.  I like multiple universes but two is too many.  On a totally different note, I've been playing a lot of guitar lately.  There are so many songs I want to cover and so little talent to do so.  Ha.  You thought I was gonna say time.  Oh well.  Wrong again.  Peace out.

Older Heart

Older Heart

Inevitably the seasons change
but not like clock work
sometimes early and sometimes later
but they change and so must you
at least that's what they say is the case
in these modern times
where nothing stays static
and everything is in a state of constant flux
you busk and you bust
until your calloused fingers find new pain
and the rain comes again
as if the sky is showing
that it will once again clean your slate
and put you back at the start
with tired hands and an older heart

Yeah, some more of my usual ramblings.  I need to get a job.  Peace out.

The Game

The Game

You wanted the brunette
so I called the blonde
She and I exchanged glances
like a game of catch
back and forth
I smile my smile
and she tilted her head
feigning vulnerability with her neck exposed
The game ingrained in our minds
this was not either of our first times

Tonight's HIMYM episode was totally filler... and so is the post.  Peace out.

The Model

The Model

I thank you
for I have modeled every girl after you
The way your smile seems so natural
and your laughter light
as if it's dancing on tip toes

I made every hero an image
of who I long to be for you
Strong and silent
With words that change the tides of battle
and a hand that feels complete in yours

Yesterday, I finally got my hands on A Wrinkle in Time. I have wanted to read it for a while now because it was a book in the Lost Community Podcast Book Club, but I wasn't able to get my hands on it. I tried to sign it out of the public library, but it was in the childrens' section and I went in to look for it but felt really awkward so I left immediately.  But yesterday, I walked in with purpose grabbed the book and fled the scene.  Ha.

Today I read Stardust.  I enjoyed the movie and noticed that it was on a few lists of great fantasy novels so I thought I'd enjoy reading it.  I've been reading a lot lately.  I was revisiting my personal library and rereading old favourites but I guess I'm in a mood to read some new things now so I took out 5 books from the library that I've never read before.  Anyways, I have been reading quite a bit and I've started to enjoy reading the acknowledgements.  I never read them in the past but I think it helps me understand the books a little better.

If I were to ever write the stories in my head, I wonder what my acknowledgements would look like.  I wonder if I would thank all the girls that I model my heroines after.  I wonder if people who know me and read the book would say, "hey, I swear the girl in the book is totally so and so."  Would that make me pathetic?  A television show that I've always loved but have refused to revisit is Dawson's Creek.  Throughout the series, he tells the story of him and Joey three times in short movie, movie, and tv show form.  In a way, it's so sad, but don't we all just rehash our lives in our mediums of choice?  I dunno.  Peace out.

Winter's Coming

Winter's Coming

It's autumn and my vision is clearer
I can see much further down the street
the trees having shed their leaves

I look through the trunks and branches
looking for the horizon that was invisible
just a few weeks ago

Winter's coming

I came up with the idea about being able to see further now that the leaves are on the ground yesterday on my run.  I didn't have anything to write the idea on so I hoped that I would remember it.  That's one of my flaws of my plan to write things down when I think of them so that I don't forget them.  Oh well.  The outdoor running season should be coming to an end soon.

Winter's coming.  I want to get into some of the later books of the Song of Fire and Ice series or something like that but I have to get through The Stand first.  I look forward to being united with the Starks.  Peace out.

The Sea

The Sea

I remember today as if it was a dream
hazy and unclear it seems
But yesterday felt a little more solid
today almost seems invalid

I remember talking something about teams
but no one is on my team it seems
I throw the ball and run to make the catch
like Desmond locked inside the hatch

I remember trying to stick to the theme
but I ran aground in the narrow stream
and couldn't make my way down to the sea
where you were waiting patiently

Back in grade 12, I wrote a very short story titled, "The Mediterranean".  I'm in love with the sea.  One of my favourite Narnia books is "The Voyage of the Dawn Treader".  There's something dreamy about being on the sea.  I don't know what I'm talking about.  Today's piece was actually inspired by Lord of the Rings and the Ents.  I'm not sure if this was only in the movie, but I was inspired by the line, "We're not anybody's side because no one is entirely on our side" or something like that.  Essentially, there wasn't a Team Ents.  I don't know why, but that line always catches my attention whenever I watch the movies... not that I watched them today.  Peace out.

Let's Talk

Let's Talk

Let's talk
as we walk through the woods
picking up sticks to use as canes
last night's rains still gathered in puddles
beside the trail
The woods never fail to inspire the silence
that comes when one feels so small
It's fall and the coloured leaves litter the ground
we came out here to talk but the leaves are the ones making the only sounds

Lame.  I haven't written in a couple days and I just wanted to write something.  Peace out.

time and time and time

time and time and time

everything you do is wrong
you strummed too fast for this particular song
nothing you do is right
thinking it's day in the middle of the night
you can't win by design
there is no reason or rhyme
just time and time and time

give it another shot
you might think you're getting the hang of it
but you're not

I was thinking a little too much today.  When I realized that I was thinking too much today, it got me thinking of the saying, "Don't think about it.  Just do it."  That is the typical advice that I get, being a thinker.  But then I was thinking about the other people on the other side of the spectrum - the people who don't think before they act.  They are given the advice, "Think before you act."  So it just seems like we all just do life wrong.  If you're a thinker, don't think.  And if you're not a thinker, think.  It makes me feel that any advice and the opposite advice has an equal probability of being the correct advice.  I don't get it at all.  Peace out.

Wrong Cheek

Wrong Cheek

I can't trust my eyes
and I don't hear things with much accuracy
My version of the world is flawed
It's as though I'm looking at it through uncut diamonds
distorted
and unclear
worse than trying to write looking in a mirror
I shed a single tear
and wipe the wrong cheek 

Our view of the world is so flawed.  I know mine is whenever I look at a picture of myself or record myself singing/playing guitar.  My initial reaction always is, "is that what I look like?"  or "is that what I sound like?"  I wonder sometimes if I'm actually right and that I shouldn't be swayed by these imperfect recorders.  All recording devices are flawed too and they can't capture reality exactly.  But I concede that probably both are true:  the recorders are imperfect and so is my view of reality.  It's weird though because an outside observer should be able to see reality as it is.... unless it's another person or another recorder - both would be imperfect.

I'm awful at doing things while looking in a mirror.  I can figure out left from right, but my depth perception is awful.  Peace out.

Digging for Gold

Digging for Gold

You raked the leaves
but I dug for gold
The work is good
to help beat the cold

I searched for meaning
deep deep underground
surrounded by dirt
but still no gold was found

So I've been reading John Piper lately.  Something I read today hit me.  I don't remember it word for word but he said something like, "Raking is easier than digging, but you only get leaves.  Only by digging can you hope to find diamonds"... or something like that.  He was referring to the studying of the Word.  I dunno.  This is too deep for my silly blog.  Peace out.

Rain Again

Rain Again

I played a song this morning
I've missed the song
and I've missed the playing
the rain always threatening
the clouds just a few shades too light at the moment
leaves sit in puddles from yesterday's precipitation
and the grass is green in the crisp air of fall
I sit by the phone and wait for a call that seems
to haunt my waking hours
It never rings
but here comes the rain again

These dark, wet days are pretty exhausting.  They are perfect days to just stay in bed with a good book, read some pages of the good book, and then go back to bed after just a few pages to rest your eyes because they feel so heavy.  It's supposed to be a fair bit warmer and dryer in the next few days.  I guess that means I can go for some runs outside again.  I can't wait to turn my runners into treadmill shoes for the winter.  Running outside in the cold air hurts my jaw, ears and neck.  Peace out.

fight

fight

fight until the day turns to night

for a chance to feel joy

fight until the stars go back to bed

she might fall for this poor boy

work for the stuff you get

live without the annoying regret

I dunno. I just wanted to write something. Major garbage today. I just thought it would be interesting to follow "crime" with "fight", but that's about all the creative visionary inspiration I had for the day. Peace out.

Crime

Crime

I hid it somewhere safe so I wouldn't lose it

and I forgot about it with time

Out of sight, out of mind

I forgot all about you

what a crime

I was looking through my drawer today for something and I found or re-found a note that was written to me on a cue card. I think I've found this card several times throughout the years. I dunno when I got it. I wanna say she wrote it to me when I was 10? Maybe 11? I haven't really had any contact with her in forever. I think I've talked about her in the past. I tried to look her up on Facebook, but the profile that I think is most likely her has a dog as a profile pic. Oh well. Peace out.

Beck and Call

Beck and Call

I found joy in the memory

but I found even more in the anticipation

I caught your eye for once

but I want to catch the eyes of the nation

I danced the dance

but I'm starting to lose my patience

I'm waiting for you

to be becked and called at your convenience

I went over the 10K videos viewed on my Youtube channel today. The pessimist in me says that means that 10000 people clicked to watch my video and clicked away after the first 2 seconds. The optimist in me says that they stuck around for at least 5 seconds. It took me roughly two years to get these views. Sad. My views have been carried by my Duane Steele and Ashley Parker Angel covers. Yay me. Peace out.

easy to hard overnight

easy to hard overnight

why is it that

things are easier when you can't?

lying in bed - 2 AM

with ideas to change the world

things to do to change your life

places to go and people to see

but you can't

It's 2 AM

and nothing can be done

it will have to wait until morning

when things become hard once again

I think a lot of people can relate to today's piece. Things seem so easy when you can't actually do them. I know that I've had brilliant plans to wake up and run in the morning when the air is fresh and the heat of the day is not so oppressing, but I hardly do. It's hard in the morning. I just came back from a run, and the whole time I was running, I was thinking, "I'm gonna get home and do this and this and this" but when I got home and sat in front of my computer. It all seemed so hard. And I seemed so unsure.

Hmm... Maybe things aren't easier or harder. Maybe your level of sureness changes. I'm gonna call that girl. I'm gonna apply for that job. I'm gonna tell them how they make me feel. I'm gonna reach out and ask for help. We've all been there... lying awake at night, running 10k, driving home and we have grand schemes. We can see the future or so it seems. But then when it's time to "act", it seems so hard and you become so unsure. If only I could bottle sureness, I would find a way to sell it and profit. Peace out.

Like a Knife

Like a Knife

I haven't aged a day since I met you

but my hunger continues to grow

Your beauty, like a knife, has run me through

but I'll never tell and you'll never know

Here's a secret. I love this girl who used to be a tv star but now is a movie star slash tv star. Originally I had her name in this post, but I decided to take it out. I like the mystery. Ha. I was trying to remember when I first saw her and when I first liked her. It got me thinking... maybe we don't age when we like someone. Well, maybe I don't age when I like someone. It's as though, I'm trapped at that age, unwilling to move on... to grow up and put her aside. Of course, I'm not talking about this star anymore, but no name will be given as usual.

Actually, I don't think I'm phrasing things very well. I don't mean to say that people don't age and grow up. Maybe it's more like they want to revisit that memory all the time and in a way, they continue to go back in time to try to relive that day and to feel those feelings again - the feelings of yesterday. I suppose that's only something that people do if they don't get the girl. Otherwise, they would just live in the present with the girl in their arms. *sigh. Peace out.

I Don't Know the Stars

I Don't Know the Stars

I won't lie

I don't know the stars

They are a mystery to me

random lights in the night sky

I am lost

I can't find my way

Waiting for the light of day

to find my way through all the frost

I don't know the stars. It's a cliche that is found in a lot in books where people find themselves in unfamiliar lands and look at the stars and the stars feel foreign to them. Or maybe they return home from a far away land and is comforted by the familiar constellations in the night sky. I only know the big dipper and orion. I guess if I couldn't find those constellations in the sky, it would feel weird, but that's the limit of my familiarity with the skies. I don't even know if Orion can be seen all year round. I'm gonna guess that you can, cause I can always find it... but it's not like I look for it all that often. Peace out.

Burnt

Burnt

My imagination failed me again

I couldn't rewrite history with any flare

I only remember things as they were

It leaves me cold in the arctic air

And again I wonder if things would be better

if forgetting is something that can be learnt

Yesterdays memory forever erased

and I would forget how I was ever burnt

I was thinking about memory again today. Something that I like to think about from time to time. As though I revisit the idea to see whether or not I've subconsciously come up with something new. I was thinking about my memory and how I might not have a good memory. Maybe I just have a bad imagination. Maybe when I try to rewrite history (like everybody does), I just end up accidentally rewriting it "correctly" by accident due to my lack of creativity. I think that is an interesting concept. I do not not forget things. I'm just not imaginative enough to remember the wrong things. I'm not necessarily saying I think that's the case. It's just something I had fun thinking about today. Peace out.

Who Wants Pie?

Who Wants Pie?

Rose hips, tulips, finger tips

and chocolate milk

I remember them with rhyming schemes

machines of words

that make things easier to recall

mnemonics of a sort

I close my eyes to count the days

an imaginary finger tracing the calendar

marking an X on the past

I smelt the future the other day

it was fleeting

like a scent caught up in the wind

It smelled like jumping up and down

a joy yet undiscovered

like a pie that is still baking in the oven

I'm not sure what this is about. I'm a bit scatterbrained today with my thoughts all over the place. In my real life journal, I was rambling on and on about so many random disparate thoughts. I really think it's about time for some pie though. Peace out.

Productivity

Productivity

Turn off the lights on your way out

and lock the doors

You're no longer needed here anymore

and the things you did can go undone

we decided you weren't needed in the long run

The role you filled will sit empty

another empty chair at the meeting

The meeting room is not as full as it used to be

but surprisingly we haven't lost any productivity

I saw a news story a few weeks ago concerning job creation in the current recession. Even though orders are up and production is up, job creation has basically stayed stagnant. It just goes to show that in yesterday's world, companies needed to hire more people to get the same amount of stuff done by less people today. Companies were just bloated with a lot of dead weight. And now that they've cut the dead weight, they can be just as productive without having to hire more staff. Perhaps the current staff is being overworked or perhaps efficiencies have just been improved. Who knows and who is willing to admit that they were inefficient in the past or are currently over working their employees because they are too scared to hire more staff? It's lose-lose to admit one or the other. Peace out.

The Easy Life

The Easy Life

I told myself I could do it

That there was no way I could have blown it

I know the answers

and I'm good looking

I smell nice

and enjoy the cooking

All these things filled up many books on my shelf

Life is easier when you believe the things you tell yourself

I've been reading alot of the series that I've enjoyed growing up. I recently read the Lord of the Rings series and just finished the Prydain Chronicles today and started up on Narnia. Sometimes I wonder if the people who are successful are the ones that believe their own hype. Is the hero a hero because he tells himself that he can do it and believes it? I guess it goes both ways though. Maybe a villian is a villian because he tells himself that he deserves to be the king and believes it. Maybe any character in the story that believes the things they tell themselves get lines and the ones that don't, don't even get mentioned in the story. Hmmm... Peace out.

Wanderer

Wanderer

I wander

retracing my steps

inevitably in circles

Dancing

is no means of

quick transportation

A ghost

that moves objects

and scares the children

Today, I read book 4 of the Prydain Chronicles: Taran Wanderer. When I was growing up, the local library didn't have this book so I never got to read it until I was much older. I could guess what happened in the book from the goings on of book 5 but it was nice to finally read it when I did get my hands on it. Actually, when I read it for the first time, it felt like I'd read it before. The story already felt familiar and yet still had some surprises. Spoiler alert! Taran tries to find his parentage (hoping that he is of noble blood because he wants to marry Eilonwy, a princess) and along the way, he spends some time with a "father" that just wanted help around the farm, he tries his had at smithing, weaving and pottery. And at the end, he doesn't find out who his parents were but decides that he will ask Eilonwy to marry her anyways. At the end of the day, no matter who the boy is, he wants to marry his princess. That was in no way the moral of the story but it is true nonetheless. How much longer am I to wander? Peace out.

I'm like the Rain

I'm like the Rain

I put my fingers to work

thinking that busy fingers

will bring my heart to rest

I keep the lyrics on my lips

thinking that busy lips

will help me pass the test

Of preventing me

from telling you too much

before it's time

I'm not ready

and neither are you

The beat is steady

and I'm like the rain

So far today, I've read half of the Prydain Chronicles. I'll probably finish the rest of book 3 tonight and try to read book 4 and 5 tomorrow. They are quick reads. I must say that I'm thankful that I own them and can read them whenever I feel like it. How many boys grow up wishing their were princes... longing for the hand of the red-gold haired princess? Peace out.

Stories and Tales

Stories and Tales

revisiting the stories of my youth

the girls that were the models of my dream

clashing swords and riding stallions

once the wanderer, now the hero of the scene

these pages have a familiar feel

like walking home again after a long day out

those tales were just stories for kids

but they're still what I think that life is about

I watched Disney's version of The Black Cauldron today. I've never seen it before. It was alright. They combined the stories from The Book of the Three and The Black Cauldron. I totally didn't picture Gurgi like he was depicted in the movie. I thought he was a bit larger and hairier and dirtier. I dunno. I want to read the Prydain series again. I finished The Lord of the Rings just recently. I think I'm in a mood to read all my favourite series again. Maybe Narnia can be next.

I think if there was a fictional character that I relate to the most or want to be the most is Taran from the Prydain series. That's my crazy ego talking. Taran was a nobody that saved the world. That's totally me. Peace out.

this bag

this bag

this bag is heavy

I've carried these hurts for too long

I've buried my feelings

in the chorus of this song

this song that I play

every single night to the stars

I strum my guitar

as the horizon travels from Venus to Mars

this bag is full

and it's tearing up my back

I need some friends

to come along and pick up the slack

This piece was inspired by some of the lyrics I caught from a song from tonight's season finale of Rookie Blue. I don't remember what the lyrics were but these were the feelings that I held on to to write today. I wonder if the show will get picked up for a second season. Peace out.

Dreamer

Dreamer

I'm a dreamer with a crippling sense of reality

A pendulum swinging between hope and dread

The sugar I consume goes all to my head

and power my thoughts as they run back and forth

from one side to the other extreme

I'm a dreamer with a crippling sense of reality

as though I dare to fly only while being shackled to the ground

I'm terribly shy even though no one's around

and my thoughts continue to run in circles

periodic waves of varying frequencies

I'm a dreamer with a crippling sense of reality

I can warp the facts to help me or harm me

I believe in predetermined fates and imaginary destiny

and my thoughts continue to go on and on

It's like I hit repeat-one on my player for this familiar song

I was just reading my new journal/diary. I only started it a while ago so it doesn't take much time to get through it at the moment. Maybe it's my vanity but I've written some great thoughts. I think it's a great start for a screenplay. Of course, it's not like I want my life out there in the ether but I think the read is interesting. It's artsy and not. Contemplative to an extreme. And it will go with me to my grave... or make me a star on Youtube. I dunno yet. Peace out.

- ease

- ease

Like water seeking level
I'm seeking for Your peace

Close or open doors

Your love for me will never cease

I'm seeking for Your will

like Gideon and his fleece

Help me find a calm

as You help my anxiety decrease

I wish I knew what I was doing with my life. But I'm trying to seek the Lord's peace in my life and find the sweet spot in His will. Things would be so much better if I was there right now. I find myself babysitting my phone and hoping that it rings and hoping that it never rings. I really want to write a song. It's as though something in me feels like everything would be alright if I could just write a song. I can't explain it. I need to do the impossible to feel better. Peace out.

Violins

Violins

I wrote a song today

It rhymed

It was about how love fades

with time

I wrote it in the key of E minor

a little sad with a pinch of haunting

It's something I would love to sing

but unfortunately it's played by violins

I didn't actually write a song today. I wish I had though. Instead, I reviewed first year circuits and some second year circuits. Woe is me. I wish I had spent that time trying to write a song. So yeah, I didn't write a song today so I lied in my poem. But it's not like that's something new. Most things I write are fake or at least not true enough to be true. Ha. What's with me and my "ha"s these days? It's like I'm in love with them. Too bad they can't love me back. They're just like boats in that way... I also caught some parts of "Failure to Launch" yesterday. Boats can't love you back. They're just boats. Peace out.

She's Gone

She's Gone

She said to me, "write me a song"

I took too long and now she's gone

Had the lyrics but no melody

the rhythm and the notes forever a mystery

I keep them a secret - even from me

I promise myself to start forgetting things

text messages. topaz rings

hazel eyes. heart breaking smile

but I think this will take me a while

Let's see. What happened today? Oh yeah. I watched Camp Rock 2. I had this crazy urge to write a song after I watched it but I went for a run instead. Oh well. I could always write a song some other day. Ha. Peace out.

Harder these Days

Harder These Days

Things come harder these days

as though the wheels are no longer greased

The paper has been folded too many times

I can no longer hope to get out the crease

The air is changing with the seasons

the leaves dance around on the streets

The autumn rain is cold and damp

You can't beat Father Time - he cheats!

I remember a time when things used to be so easy. I have a great memory so those days seem just like yesterday. I guess I wasn't paying too much attention because at one point or another, things got harder. Nothing is automatic anymore. My knees aren't 30 yet but my heart feels like it is and I have to practice saying that I am. Thirty. Thirty? *sigh. Peace out.

No Destiny

No Destiny

The hills have eyes and movies lie

like you always suspected they did

They peddle the dreams of Hollywood

and you ate them up since you were a kid

Things aren't what they appear to be

Nothing's fair or destiny

I've been rather cynical of late. Or more so than usual. I'm feeling more and more like I don't belong here... or at least, I don't fit anywhere. There is no hole made for my type of peg. What am I doing with my life? *sigh. Peace out.

World's End

World's End

You looked at me like I never left

Like I was never gone

As though I didn't leave half way through the song

Let's never speak of that day again

and leave it be 'til world's end

Just saw a deleted scene from Star Wars: Return of the Jedi on Digg... and then I started reading the comments and that's the inspiration for today. Why did Luke and Leia never discuss their kiss? Cause it would have been crazy awkward and it wouldn't have done anything. Things can't be undone and sometimes talking about them only make for awkward situations. I'm trying to think of an example of that in my life but I can't think of one that I can talk about. Ha. Kinda meta I think. Peace out.

Ageless Ones

Ageless Ones

When did the earth stop spinning,

refusing to circle the sun?

When did the skies open

making it too wet to run?

When did all the new things end?

We are the ageless ones

I was listening to a comic books podcasts and they tangented to an interesting thought. I was just passively listening to it so I don't really remember the context or their wording but basically they were exploring the idea of how people get to a certain age and sort of get trapped in it. Ha, I'm already having problems articulating the thought. For instance, some people always feel like they are 18. Even when they turn 21, they just feel like they're still 18 and when asked how old they are, they just instinctively say 18. Some people never age past 40 or 39. At some point, people just refuse to believe they are getting older. Am I still aging? I dunno. Peace out.

Tragic

Tragic

I've heard this song before
It's just an old classic

The melody is beautiful

but the lyrics are tragic

Why do people commonly find beauty in tragedy? I dunno. Maybe people can find beauty in just about anything. Or maybe we just crave beauty and can pull it out of thin air. Peace out.

Built in Excuses

Built in Excuses

I set you up with built in excuses

It was impossible to be angry if you failed

You flexed all your muscles and worked all your juices

I held my breath and refused to exhale

Sometimes in relationships, we have built in excuses for other people's behaviour. In one way, it's as though you've set them up to fail, but in the same way but in a different way, it's as though you set them up so that it's impossible to fail because you've already made the excuses for them. Sometimes we stick around longer than we should and some people are better at making excuses than others. Peace out.

Fell into Fall

Fell into Fall

I took a walk this summer

and fell into fall

The lion sat at the throne

once again at Cair Paravel

The trees shed their leaves

and I strum my guitar

I sing a song daringly

to try to win the heart of a star

I feel like reading the Chronicles of Narnia again. Last Thursday or Friday, I watched LOTR - FOTR the extended edition and it made me have the itch to read the whole Tolkien booklist over again but that is such a big commitment. Maybe I'll settle for just reading the narnia series. I know it's nowhere near the same but sentimentally, it will hit the spot for me.

I took a walk today along my usual running route. I would have ran if it was not for the heat. It's been pretty hot these past few days. Anyways, I was lost in my tech podcast when I realized that I was walking on dry leaves on the sidewalk. For a split second, I thought it was autumn. I don't know why, but there were two large trees on that street that decided they didn't want their leaves anymore. Yesterday, I saw a blue jay and the day before that, I saw a peregrine falcon dive bombing a crow... if peregrine's even exist in this city. I don't know but I think I've seem them before. Peace out.

Vain Imagination

Vain Imagination

I wish that song was about me

a verse written with me in mind

but time after time I realize

it was just my vain imagination

the odd sensation in my stomach

an anticipation

like it's finally my turn

my turn to hear the words

and see your thoughts

... as though you thought of me

I must be a very selfish person. I can make anything and everything be about me. I can hear two words out of a conversation occurring from across the room, and my imagination can twist it so that it's something about me. I can hear a girl talking about a guy that she finds is cute and I automatically think she is talking about me. Or, likewise, I can hear a girl talking about how this guy was really weird and annoying, and I will think she is talking about me. I wanted to write that maybe one day I'd be right for once... but even as I want to write that, I'm convinced I'm right most of the time. When will it be my turn to have someone want me to be talking about them? I dunno. I guess it's not my turn. Peace out.

Ritual

Ritual

We do it today

and once again tomorrow

The streak stays alive

Just watched some HIMYM, the 3 day snow episode where Marshall and Lilly examine the rituals that they do in their lives as a couple. A couple days ago, I heard about BEDA or Blaugust as some people are referring to it as (Blog everyday in August). I'm not going to take part in it, although I do think it's interesting to try to write everyday for a set period of time. I've done it myself. I've had the joy of trying to write something everyday. It gets easier when you make it a ritual and really have it be just part of your day. I'm writing about writing again. Ha. I'll stop now. Peace out.

The Well

The Well

I keep going back to the well

hoping to find more words to say

something to write before the end of the day

My fear is that it will be empty

that I've ran out of my supply

that I've ran out of words... and I sigh

My hope is that I haven't wasted the ones I was given

on people that I love but yet haven't forgiven

Many writers think that they only have so many good words in them. I'm not talking about their vocabulary. I'm referring to how many great pieces they feel they can write. For some, it may be just a brilliant short story. Others may have a few novels in them. And yet others have the ability to write 1000s of words every day for their whole lives. I think it's the same way with song writers. People only have so many good songs in them. There comes a point when most writers think that their best writing days are behind them.

I've struggled with this a lot lately. Maybe my good writing days are behind me. Who knows. How many times can I sit down and want to write but find the well is empty? Sometimes I forget this blog is not really a place for me to write poems, but more of a place for me to write about stuff in general and introduce it with a poem.

I know that some writers have a strict schedule and they make themselves write 1000 or 2000 words a day or how many so pages. I think if I were to try to do something similar, I would end up writing about how I was struggling to find something to write about. Ha. Peace out.

Remote Control

Remote Control

I can't watch

allow me to avert my eyes

Let me fast forward

through this mistake

Help me break the rewind

so I can stop wasting all my time

reviewing the past

as if there was going to be a quiz

Stop and play she said

I hit pause and got lost in my own head

I watched a movie today. You'd probably guess that I watched Click, but you'd be wrong. I watched 500 Days of Summer. Can't go wrong with Zooey Deschanel and Minka Kelly. Ha. It seems like Zooey plays the exact same girl-who-can't-be-tamed character in all her movies. I hate that girl, but I love that girl. Maybe that's the appeal. Maybe that's my flaw. Peace out.

Proof

Proof

I've seen the pictures

I know it's true

There's no longer any chance

for me and you

I've seen the proof

No need for anymore evidence

The stories have been written

They are spoken about in past tense

I dunno. Sometimes you can talk yourself into believing something but when you see pictures, it becomes increasingly hard to lie to yourself. I know that a lot of things can be faked with photoshop. I've done my share of doctoring images but sometimes a photo can be the final nail in the coffin. Peace out.

Driving

Driving

I really hate it

bullies driving everywhere

Must I always yield?

I hate driving. I'd rather bus somewhere or walk even though it takes much longer. I hate driving because there are so many other people on the road and you have to work with them... and most of the time, I don't think they are working with me. Sometimes I feel like there are a lot of bullies on the road. Like when people cut you off. I mean, I could not let them in and hit them but that's more a hassle than anything else.

Today on my way home, I felt like a pedestrian bullied me. It was fairly dark on a fairly quiet road and she totally decided to cross in front of me even though there were no cars behind me. And then she decided that she would walk as slow as she possibly could. At that moment, I was wishing that there was some authority figure next to me that I could ask for permission to run her over. I hate entitled pedestrians. We should be allowed to hit them. **This goes nicely with my other rants about how I hate drivers and I wished that I was allowed to just kick their cars. Ha. Peace out.

Shotgun Wedding

Shotgun Wedding

Shotgun wedding

pregnant bride

belly showing

when viewed from the side

An awkward father

emotions torn

They pushed up the date

to before the baby was born

Yeah. Not really a normal topic that I write about. Today, I just found out that a person that I was following on Youtube because I thought she was a wholesome girl and had a good message was due today. Which is all and good but then I remembered that she got married in March and I did some quick finger counting math.

Sometimes people aren't really who you think they are. How well can you know someone without actually knowing them. I don't really mean to judge because I know that I'm not perfect. And that people can't always live up to your expectations of them. And maybe sometimes your expectations of them aren't fair in the first place, but... I dunno. Sometimes it's just so easy to judge and point fingers. Not sure where I was going with this thought. Peace out.

Pearls

Pearls

Yesterday we went diving for pearls

but the whole time I was wishing you were another girl

Maybe I was just trying to show my mettle

but the whole time I was thinking we both decided to settle

We said our vows

and danced the dance

cut the cake

and taken our bows

Back at the rooms

the show is over

what do we do now?

It's monday so that means another Bachelorette inspired piece. Frank broke Ali for the 2 guys left. Good job dude. And why did he need to bring a suitcase to do what he did? I would think that it would be more of a single backpack situation. And is Ali wearing the flower on the other side of her hair after the Frank incident significant? Who really cares right? Peace out.

Silent Clocks

Silent Clocks

When did the clocks go silent?

The LCD panels coming on and off

with no moving gears to make sound

Time has lost its gravity

Its heaviness

The ground is covered by coloured leaves

before you even notice the seasons change

You can still remember clearly the spring rains

And tomorrow is just another day of more of the same

Watched the Messenger today. Actually, I'm watching it right now. I watched it a while back, but I like to watch movies 2x... whether they're good or bad, I just like to watch movies twice because it allows me time to process it and see the details. What a sad movie. What a sad job. It's about the soldiers who have to tell next of kin their loved ones have died. *sigh. Peace out.

Aim for Me

Aim for Me

I know that maybe we weren't each other's destinies

but I had hoped that at one point you would have aimed for me

Short and sweet. This was the first piece that I've written based on an idea I jotted down in my new journal. Haha. Actually, it's hardly more than the idea itself. I watched Time Traveler's Wife today. It's a fairly emotional movie but when I watched it, I felt really sad for Rachel McAdams the actress. I love her and I wish she were happy and married in real life. Maybe she is and I'm behind with hollywood but I just remember the days when they were announcing her break ups and I was thinking that I wish she could be happy. *sigh. Peace out.

Obscure the Sun

Obscure the Sun

I can run and run

but the pain always catches up with me

My knees start to ache

the stitches in my sides show no mercy

I ran and ran today

but the truth always caught up with me

I told lies to keep going

but my acid soaked legs could always see

A lot can happen during an hour run

Clouds move in to obscure the sun

I ran my first 10k this year today. Actually, I walk/ran it but it was still probably the fastest I've ever done it. A lot of stuff can happen when you run 10k. I went through so many different emotions. I thought so many different thoughts. Time itself seemed to warp. I remember rehashing a thought I had around the 3k mark around the 9k mark and I was like, "I'm such a different guy now then I was when I thought that thought before." I made some kid wipe out on his bike. He thought he could squeeze between me and a bush but when he realized he couldn't, he tried to stop and completely wiped out. It wasn't my fault. He biked by me once and then tried to bike by me again. This other little girl decided that she would run about 40 meters with me and then her friend followed me for a block and a half on her bike. A cute red head smiled at me as she drove by. Ha. I was 1/3 of the way into the run and that really helped. I was so tired but that event gave my mental battery a little jolt. Magical really. Peace out.

Wishing Well

Wishing Well

Nickel and dime me for all that I own

I've grown used to the lies that you tell

Believe these words or read between the lines

I've thrown my last penny in the wishing well

What's the deal with wishing wells? I remember as a young kid, loving to throw money into fountains. I don't think I enjoyed it because I actually believed that if I made a wish and threw money into the fountain that my wish would come true. I think it was more of the act of throwing money away. I also liked trying to throw coins at hard to reach places to see if I couldn't brag about it later to no one in particular. Peace out.

The Sirens

The Sirens

The sirens sound again tonight

I suppose another person needs saving

My stomach growls craving

the savory snacks that taste oh so good

I'm in the mood to read a familiar book

I look and find one suitable

Something to past the time

until I fall asleep

a dreamless night is all I seek

Yeah, I dunno. It seems as though I hear sirens here now every night. I dunno what they are for. I don't hear much about things on the news the next day so that's good I guess. Peace out.

Bouncing Ideas

Bouncing Ideas

I wrote something beautiful

and tossed it into the air between my ears

to be lost as the seconds become minutes

I was a genius once

with ideas bouncing around my head

but they lost energy with time and grew still

Only to rattle around a bit

as I lie awake in bed

I've lost most of my good ideas I think. They come to me and I'm too lazy to write them down and then they are gone. Today, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I've probably mentioned that movie before. It's like 1 of 4 movies that I own. I don't know how many times I've watched it. Every time I watch it, it feels like I'm watching it for the 2nd time. Maybe I've only watched it 3 times. I dunno. It has a familiar feel and yet I don't know what scene comes next. Perhaps it's because it's not a linear storyline.

Anyways, I want to write my thoughts more so I dusted off an old notebook that I probably bought the previous time I had the notion to write down my thoughts more. It was empty so perhaps I hadn't started yet. This blog has been a blessing and a curse when it comes to remembering things. I know that I do write a lot of my stuff based on personal things but sometimes I'm too cryptic for me to even figure out what I was writing about months ago. It sucks though cause I already know that sometimes writing things down will seem redundant and slow. Who has time to write down their thoughts? When I have thoughts, I'm too busy thinking them. Peace out.

Waking Up

Waking Up

I woke up this morning with the sun

from a dream that breaks my waking heart

What a day and it's only just begun

It seems like today is the day things fall apart

I was up at 5 this morning. It's surprisingly bright at that hour. I have some wake up stress cause I'm expecting a call from a guy who's supposed to fix my garage door opener. I don't like having this wake up stress. It pretty much guarantees that I will not get a good night's sleep. I'm tired. Peace out.

You Don't Want this Song to be Written about You

You Don't Want this Song to be Written about You

Walk me to the car in the rain

It serves you right after the choices you made tonight

I know that it can only turn out wrong

when I write this story in a country song

Haha, watched the Bachelorette tonight. Good stuff. Train wreck tv for sure. I can't turn away. Sometimes I wonder how much the editors shape the show but somethings you can't edit. Sometimes they actually say the words that are aired. Peace out.

Parade

Parade

Parade of ants

marching in the heat

traversing concrete playgrounds

looking for food

Did my longest run of the season today. I'm like a zombie when I run... just lost in my own world. Running into tree branches and such. Luckily, I'm still alert enough to check for cars when I'm crossing streets.

I saw this huge parade of ants on this sidewalk. If it was a highway, there would have been 20 lanes. I wonder what they were doing. Maybe they were moving... unhappy with their current home. Oh to be an ant. Just imagine how strong I'd be. Peace out.

disparate thoughts

disparate thoughts

I feel the heat

as it drains the strength from my legs

I drag and drag

my iPod barely louder than the voice in my head

stop running it says

I feel the dread

as the day comes looming around the corner

time flies and flies

my iPod barely louder than the voice in my head

It's over it says

What's it like to wake up in the morning

knowing that a girl loves you?

I bet it's better than I think

If you love me click this link

Yeah, I know. Today's piece is a bit scatterbrained. I just wanted to write something and I got a little distracted half way through. Not sure about my blog design still. I'm not married to the green yet.

It's been crazy hot these past days. I guess that's how summer is here... hot, humid, sunny afternoons and thunderstorm evenings. The heat is stronger than me. Peace out.

Running Uphill

Running Uphill

I distract myself to pass the time

as my feet pound the pavement

yard by yard

travelling further than the day before

My thoughts unravel and I become conscious

of my burning quads and my lungs

gasping for air

I desperately search for a new distraction

a thought that will be stronger

stronger than the acid building up in my legs

a thought to bring strength back to my will

I dwell on the mistakes I made yesterday

and now it feels as if I'm running uphill

Today, I tried to run in the morning to avoid the rain and the heat of the day. I didn't actually start running until 10:30ish. It was humid as all -. I think the conditions were the toughest I've ran in so far this summer. I remember reading that it takes about 2 weeks for your body to acclimate to the heat. I guess I just need about another week of running in heat before I get a little more used to it. Then I'll be cool in all situations. As if.

Today was a hard run and I found myself lost in thought for some of it. It really does help to have something to distract you while you run. Sometimes I would think about stuff that happened years ago or last night. Whatever it takes to not think about putting one foot in front of the other and how much further I have to run before I can stop. Sometimes I ponder deep things like why do birds like to poo from some trees and not so much from other trees? Or am I more likely to have birds poo on me from trees if I run over the old poo spots on the sidewalk or try to avoid them? I didn't come to any solid conclusions but the thinking did help pass the kilometers. Any thoughts? Peace out.

Guard

Guard

I remembered it being easy

It was never this hard to see you

Constantly smiling at someone over my shoulder

It takes me a while every time

thinking that the smile was for me

I see it

The indifference in your eyes

that no longer surprises me

I didn't remember it being so hard

but I'm learning and keeping up my guard

Yeah, I didn't like how orange my blog was so I've changed it again. It might take me a while to settle on a design I like. Hopefully I'll be doing subtle changes and not these massive changes like I've been doing so far. I hope that I will converge on a design that I like with minor tweaks here and there.

Lately I've discovered a lot of books that I would like to read... but whenever there are a lot of new books I want to read, I end up in the comfort of reading old books. I'm reading Temple of the Winds again instead of Le Morte D'Arthur. Today's piece was inspired by my re-reading of book 4 from the sword of truth series.

It's hot. Oh so hot. Peace out.

Broken Strings

Broken Strings

Broken strings and other things of various use

clutter a shelf where things go to die

Collecting dust with papers of varying value

they grow yellower with time

Some with rhymes scribbled to be remembered

others a sketch or two drawn by hands more youthful

A broken bracelet and a misplaced book

treasures to behold on rainy spring days

in which cleaning is expected

Everyone has a drawer of misc. stuff where they throw things that don't really belong anywhere else. It's the first place you look for something but have no idea where to start looking. I have a shelf for that purpose as well. I keep my guitar strings there: new and old. I don't know why I keep my sets of old strings. There's nothing I can do with them. Maybe one day I'll build a galimoto (sorry... reading rainbow reference). I don't know why I keep them. I was actually holding a set of old strings today and I asked myself, "why am I keeping these?" and then I put them right back on the shelf.

Sometimes we like to keep things in our lives that we really have no purpose for. Maybe they remind us of happier time or maybe of sadder times. Maybe we hold onto things because we have a hard time letting go. Maybe we keep them so that we can remember and so that we'll never forget. It baggage in physical form. I'm no super hero. I'm not standing on a soap box preaching. In fact, I have boxes of these things. When it comes time to back up my computer (and you should do that from time to time... seriously!), it gets me thinking of all my possessions and I honestly think that if my entire room burnt down and I lost everything, I wouldn't really be all that sad because I'm not really attached to anything really... but at the same time I never throw anything away. Would that be irony? I don't think so. I don't think there is anything on the internet that has been unanimously deemed to be ironic. Why do smart people like to argue about what is ironic and what isn't? Anyways, I'm rambling. Peace out.

Vague Memories

Vague Memories

Vague memories cobbled together like scenes from last night's dream

working out and ice cream

gaussian blurred and overly compressed

memories based off my mental picture of you in that red dress

Walking down the hall

with me standing tall

proud to be there by your side

Come here and hide with me

help me distinguish the girl from the fantasy

Today, I started my 3rd week in my 10 week running program. Yay me. Oh yeah, before I forget... Google, thanks for the great new templates. It's good that even though blogs are so 2005, they can at least look a little more contemporary. Anyways, I was running and I saw this guy shooting free throws, which reminded me about the time when I was shooting free throws instead of studying for my finals because I was thinking about a girl, which reminded me about this other girl. This other girl was the inspiration for this piece.

She was a girl that I liked in elementary school. I don't remember too many things very clearly from those days. Actually that's not true. I do have some clear memories about those days but I don't trust them. I think I rewrote some things and just plain made up the rest. There's no one to keep me accountable. I don't even know what's real and what's not. It sounds like some plot from a bad movie, but I wonder if this happens to everyone. Do older individuals look back on their 30s and see it all as a blur? I remember this girl as being one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen. I haven't seen her in almost 20 years. That's crazy but I'm fine with that because I also "remember" her liking me. That's right. I'm a stud. Anyone want to tell me that I'm misremembering this? Peace out.

Believe

Believe

Clay pots on cobble stones

blood flesh and bones

moaning under the constant pounding

of a runner's awkward gait

He dodges in and out

avoiding puddles from last night's rain

pushing doubt from his mind

he lies to himself

he is strong

he is fresh

and can keep going for miles

He smiles and concedes

sometimes it's harder to lie to yourself

when you never ever wanted to believe

Yup, nothing like another piece about running. Falling back into my comfort zone. I started a new running program last week. I like doing programs these days. It seems that when I just leave things up to chance or what I'm feeling, I don't have the same motivation. I'm doing a 10 week program to train for a 10k run. I'm on week 2 now. It's a podcast that let's me know what intervals to run/walk. I don't like dance music. I wish there was more of a selection.

Anyways, how often do we lie to ourselves? to psych ourselves up, or to trick ourselves into being confident? I wonder what psychologists have learned about the behaviour of lying to ourselves to gain an edge in a competitive environment. I dunno. I think this is only a half developed thought at best. Still mulling. Peace out.

Caught in the Rain

Caught in the Rain

got caught in the rain

a skip and stones throw from home

mad dash and wet socks

I don't want to bag on somebody's professional, but what do weathermen/women get paid to do? Whenever I watch the local news, I always skip the weather segments because I can easily get that information somewhere else without being teased to come back later for the full weather forecast after the commercial break. And even if I catch the weather because I don't have control of the remote, I don't take the forecast too seriously because it is usually wrong.

There was a sever thunder storm warning all day today but it didn't rain at all... until they lifted the warning at 4:04 pm and it started thunder storming at 4:30 pm. Good job guys. I was on a run and just barely got home in time before the hail started. Luckily I made sure to stay close to my house (on a short radius) as I ran. I'm fine. Thanks for being concerned. Peace out.

messes

messes

fix it all in haste

messes lead to more messes

slow down and stay calm

Have you ever created a mess and in your haste to clean it up, you only made things worse? I was thinking about that today when I was brushing my teeth. Maybe it's one of the major laws of motion. Maybe we need to come to a full stop before we can reverse directions and head towards fixing things instead of just messing things up more. I dunno. Think on that. Peace out.

Wax and Wane

Wax and Wane

Oh to fall in love on a train

or whilst walking in the rain under the same umbrella

What will become of me

will I be happy?

We ask questions

and gaze into the night sky

thinking stars in their waxing and waning

have some magical wisdom

We moan and groan

under our own expectations

They weigh on us and wear out our knees

carrying self-made burdens through life

searching for celebrity friends and a future wife

I think when people are forced to create something, they all reach for their "goto" topics. Patterns can be easily discerned when reading books, listening to songs or watching movies. Creators tend to have themes that they like or images that appear in everything they do. Apparently I really want to meet a girl on a train.

The other day I watched Daybreakers. Ethan Hawke was in it and it just reminded me of the Before Sunrise and Before Sunset movies. Man do I love those movies. Maybe I need to go to Europe and ride the trains for a while. I need to start thinking about what books to read while on the train to make me a mysterious man that beautiful women approach and make small talk. Haha.

On a total aside, I'm listening to the Wonderful Wizard of Oz at the moment. Yesterday, I discovered Librivox.org. It's a site for free audiobooks recorded by volunteers. Haha. I'll never have to read again!!! That is if I only want to "read" books that are already in the public domain. Oh well. Peace out.

Race the Sun

Race the Sun

Let us save this night and thwart the day

running west with all we got

keeping the sun just below the horizon

running in the hours of yesterday

We trip and slow and start to chase shadows

that are ever shortening

as we lose strength in our legs and our race with the sun

It's won

Lost ends tomorrow. I know that it's just a show but it has become really important to me in the 6 years of its run. Today's piece is about trying to hold on... the internal refusal to change and bring on a new day. What if the sun doesn't look the same as it did yesterday? What if it's not as warm as we remembered it being? What if Kate doesn't end up with Jack? These are the questions that we feared will be answered... and so we run. Peace out.

Candles Deep in the Woods

Candles Deep in the Woods

The image grows foggy around the edges

as my heart slows and the lights on the ceiling glow

like flickering candles deep in the woods

There's only time for a few more words of comfort

as you hold my hand

I've never liked you very much

I close my eyes

and count the ducks

The general consensus is my ending sucks

Today's piece was inspired by the season finale of Grey's Anatomy. I wrote it from the perspective of the goon doctor from Mercy West that died... spoiler alert btw. I decided that I wanted to write something about it when Mandy Moore's character told him that the girl that he had a crush on for years knew b/c "girls always know". It was meant to be something comforting but it really is just a last slap in the face before he dies. She basically said "she knew that you liked her but ignored it because she wasn't into you in that way." Ha. Some comfort.

Everybody knows though. Peace out.

The End

The End

I held my breath

waiting for the sun to set

Let this day be over

I crawled into bed

hoping to not dream of smoke monsters

and creepy visitors

I heard it over the horizon

Indeed.

The end approaches

I'm so sad. :( There is officially/technically only 1 episode left of Lost... even though it's a 2 and a half hour episode, it is still the final episode. It's weird when things end. I don't really remember the ending of many shows. I remember watching the Friends' finale and the Seinfeld finale. I didn't get to watch the Dawson's Creek finale until months later because I was on a tv fast at the time. I know a lot of shows get cancelled. I can't remember their endings very well, but that's probably because I think there will be more coming but they get cancelled in the summer when no one cares about them anymore.

I'm once again trying to learn how to sing harmonies. Haha. I've spent a lot of time trying to write some programs in java to help me practice. As I attempted to write the code, I realized that I don't really understand the music theory involved. I'm doomed. A lot of people say that I should just practice and learn to do it by ear, but I want to understand it too... and my ears are no good. I'm in need of an upgrade. Peace out.

Nothing Happened

Nothing Happened

Nothing happened

Nothing ever happens

Running in circles

and playing our roles

an empty smile behind hellos

and another week passes

each one bringing us closer to the last

I'm so glad that the season for new tv shows is coming to an end. It's so time consuming to follow all of these shows. It's so frustrating to watch most of them because nothing ever happens, the storylines are convoluted and unbelievable... not unbelievable in a good way but unbelievable as in it insults the intelligence of the audience. Only a couple more weeks until season finales come and go. Yippee. Peace out.

Undisclosed Desires

Undisclosed Desires

Undisclosed desires scattered on the floor

among the drab meaningless things collected along the way

Soon even I find it hard to tell them apart

Short. I know. I wonder how many people don't know what they want. I know that I don't know what I want. Or maybe I used to know what I wanted but now I don't because I've convinced myself that I don't want it since I won't be getting it. Sour grapes... the idea of settling.

Today I was listening to the 404 and they were talking about how people are just content consumers and aren't content creators anymore. This is my attempt at some content creation - A faux poem and a veiled attempt to sound deep and introspective.

Maybe the grand question of "what is the meaning of life?" is just a rephrasing of "what do I want?" It's the cliche used in movies and tv shows and books all the time. "I thought that getting this or that would make me happy, but when I got it, I wasn't." Peace out.

I Heard a Song Once...

I Heard a Song Once...

I heard a song once

It was red I think

or pink or orange

some colour pulled from the sunrise

The light glittering off your blue eyes

or were they green?

I don't think I can remember anymore

not for lack of effort

or busyness of chores that I find myself doing

Moving things around my room

trying to rebalance my life without you in it

The scale tips one way today

and another the next

my best efforts ever fall short

And then the song comes on the radio

the song that haunted the background

now it fills my ears and flood my eyes

Wow, this is kinda sad. The season for new television episodes are quickly coming to an end. They all seem to have to build up something sad before the finale so that the finale can be that much brighter. This piece was inspired by the sad episodes, the despair, the death of characters that were there from the beginning. When Lost ends, I want to "eternal sunshine" my mind and watch it all over again. Peace out.

The Angel

The Angel

It's strange

sitting here

drinking beers

and sharing our feelings

something that guys rarely do

And yet we're connected

by one degree of separation

the same dream

and wild imagination

that we can one day be

with you

the glass angel across the sea

I dunno. You would think that if I took the time to write something after not writing anything in a couple of days, that I would come up with something brilliant. No such luck I'm afraid. I watched last night's episode of HIMYM today. It reminded me of an awkward situation someone told me about a while ago. Two boys talking about how they both liked the same girl. I can't even imagine participating in such a conversation. It seems like girls do it all the time though. They can gather in large groups and all scream for Beiber or Justin Timberlake. I'm possessive I guess. I don't like telling secrets or having someone else like the girl I like. Doesn't that make us automatic enemies? I dunno. Peace out.

Start Forgetting

Start Forgetting

I miss you already

and you're not even gone

The feeling is wrong

I can't shake it

I keep jumping to get a clearer view over the horizon

The future looming

Doom hanging over our heads

The time has come

the day that I've been dreading

You are indeed beautiful

but I must now start forgetting

Wow, I feel like I haven't written in so long but it hasn't been all that long. It seems like I'm in my usual mid-year writing drought. It seems like I write a lot at the beginning of the year and the end of the year and not so much during spring and summer. If I hadn't looked at when I wrote my entries, I would have thought the opposite would be true. I thought that I wrote a lot of my pieces during the spring/summer cause I like to think about things when I run outside. I guess that thinking doesn't translate into many pieces though. Oh well. It's pretty normal for our own perspective to not gel with reality.

Today's piece is about watershed moments. Events that are markers for looking at someone's life. Things either happened before the event or after. Things won't be the same again and instead of holding on to the past, one must move on and start forgetting. I love remembering. I pride myself in having a good memory, but I also appreciate the value of forgetting. It's such a valuable skill. It's the hockey playoffs right now and players love to throw out cliches when they are being interviewed. One cliche concerns the importance of forgetting a bad loss and moving on to the next game.

I wish I was better at forgetting. A few years ago, I read a book called The Amnesia Clinic. I think I might have mentioned it at the time. I read it because I liked the title even though the book was totally not what I thought it would be. I'm obsessed with the idea of remembering and forgetting. I don't know what it is. I guess it's just me. Peace out.